O Joy that seekest me through pain...

One of my all-time favorite songs is O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. My two favorite verses are these:

O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be. 

O Joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain, 

That morn shall tearless be. 

I've always clung to these truths whenever sorrow or suffering hits close to home. Many times I've cried as I've sung this song. Now is one of those times. 

For those of you who haven't heard, I just want to put it out there and get the telling over with. This past Tuesday, I went to Columbia to see a high-risk OB/GYN. The reason my doctor referred me was because they had seen something interesting on our baby boy's stomach and wanted to make sure everything was ok. I went by myself, thinking that they were just being over-cautious and that it would be nothing. Two hours later I got the worst news of my life.

In addition to the stomach problem they saw, our baby boy had a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. In non-medical terms that means that part of the left side of his heart has not developed properly and is unable to send enough blood to his body. Because of this, the right side of his heart has to work extra hard. If left untreated, this stress would eventually cause his heart to fail. Along with this underdevelopment, he also has an opening between chambers that should not be there, veins and arteries in the wrong places, and other complications that I don't even understand. Basically, what all this means is that our baby is going to require multiple open heart surgeries that are very dangerous and could claim his life. I don't even know what his chances are at this point, but they sound grim. 

Obviously, Cole and I feel overwhelmed. The past few days I've gone from crying my eyes out, to feeling like a robot, to being just plain tired and confused. Most of the time, when I talk about it, I feel like I'm describing someone else's life. But every once in a while it hits me that this is my baby who's hurting and my life that's being turned upside-down and I start to feel like I'm drowning. I'm not angry at God, I'm not asking why, I'm just wondering how. 

How am I going be able to watch my baby go through surgeries he might not make it out of? How am I going to be able to stand the uncertainty and scariness of the next few months? How am I going to handle the pain of watching my child suffer? And worst of all, something I am scared to death to even consider, if God's plan is for him to die, how will I be able to let him go? How will I make it through that?! 

I have all these questions and emotions and uncertainties and that's why I keep going back to that song. In the midst of all this fear, I know that His love will not let me go and even now I feel His joy seeking me through the pain. The verse I'm quoting over and over again to myself is this:

Psalm 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped." 

My request is that you would pray this for Cole and I over the next few months.