Last night it happened for the first time. I tried to picture Matthew in my head, but all my brain could come up with was images of Clay. I tried harder but still, I could only come up with the pictures and videos that I've looked through a hundred times, no actual undocumented memories. You know how that is, as time passes we all need visual stimulants to help boost our memories. I just didn't think it would happen this fast. I tried so hard while he was alive to stamp every moment into my heart and mind, but even so, they're already fading. It breaks my heart. I don't want to forget a single moment of my little boy's life. I want to be able to close my eyes and remember what he sounded like, smelled like, and what it felt like to hold him because that's all I have.
I hate that it's already a struggle to remember.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
4 months!
Clay had his 4 month check-up today and it looks like he's doing great!
- Weight: 14 lbs 2 oz
- Height: 25 1/2 inches long
- Sleeps: 10 hours at night (10pm - 8am!) & takes four 2-hour naps during the day
- Eats: 5 times a day
- Personality: Sweet as can be! And flirty :)
- Still has all his crazy, dark hair. I think this kid will need a haircut by the time he's 6 months!
- Loves his sister and is very entertained by her. Every morning when Claire wakes up, she runs straight to Clay to say hi and gush, "Ooo, he's so cute. Ooo, I love him!" She then wraps him in a bear hug until I pry her off so that he can breath again.
- Rolls everywhere now. Front to back, back to front and he's even trying to crawl. Cole noticed him doing an army crawl thing yesterday morning.
- Love this little guy! He is such a blessing!
- Weight: 14 lbs 2 oz
- Height: 25 1/2 inches long
- Sleeps: 10 hours at night (10pm - 8am!) & takes four 2-hour naps during the day
- Eats: 5 times a day
- Personality: Sweet as can be! And flirty :)
- Still has all his crazy, dark hair. I think this kid will need a haircut by the time he's 6 months!
- Loves his sister and is very entertained by her. Every morning when Claire wakes up, she runs straight to Clay to say hi and gush, "Ooo, he's so cute. Ooo, I love him!" She then wraps him in a bear hug until I pry her off so that he can breath again.
- Rolls everywhere now. Front to back, back to front and he's even trying to crawl. Cole noticed him doing an army crawl thing yesterday morning.
- Love this little guy! He is such a blessing!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Ramblings...
Well I'm back after not having much to say this past month. August wasn't really busy, I think I was just tired. Blame it on the newborn :)
For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.
I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.
On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.
Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.
So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.
Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!
For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.
I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.
On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.
Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.
So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.
Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!
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