Thanksgiving

What am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the warm, heavy spot on my chest where my son's head lay last night as I rocked him to sleep. I am thankful for his peaceful, deep breathing as he lay so trustingly in my arms. I am thankful for the absolute joy I felt in that moment. I am thankful that God has turned my mourning into dancing.

After Matthew died, my arms literally ached with the longing to hold him. All I ever wanted was to bring him home and be able to rock him to sleep. The whole time he was in the hospital, that was my goal. To get him home. To have him all to myself. To watch him fall asleep in my arms and feel his peaceful breathing on my cheek. And when that never happened, I was crushed.

So today I am grateful that I've been blessed with another chance to have that moment with Clay. My heart overflows with thankfulness at God faithfulness over the past year and a half.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Family fun!

The day I gave my 5 month-old a haircut :(

Today I gave Clay a haircut.

I am still in shock.

He had such luscious, long hair! What was I thinking???

I just kept trimming and trimming and trimming...

Now he looks....... old. Like a real person. With a buzz cut.

*sigh*

(Before)

(After)

At least it will grow back - eventually. 

This little boy...

... is just precious! 

But as much as I love him and as much as he has helped heal my heart, he can't replace Matthew. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish he could know his big brother. (Doesn't that sound silly, calling Matthew a big brother? He was only 7 weeks old when he died... he was a big anything.) My heart hurts when I look at Clay and sometimes see Matthew in him. I so wish that I could see both my boys together! 

Claire started talking to me about Matthew randomly last week and I tried to explain to her where he was and why he wasn't with us anymore. Of course she can't understand, so watching her try to wrap her little brain around it was bittersweet for me. I love that she's curious about him, but I hate that she doesn't understand why she can't see him. I tried to explain that he was in the hospital and doctors tried to fix his heart, but he was too sick, so he went to be with Jesus in heaven. But now every time we pass our doctor's office she says, "That's the doctor mommy? That's where Matthew is sick and he sees Jesus?" 

So I guess that's stirred memories and made the last few days hard for me. I know that God is holding Matthew in his arms and I know that one day it will all be ok. I just miss him. I love and miss my little boy and I wish he could be part of our life here on earth.