Yesterday....

Matthew would've been nine months old yesterday. Claire was walking and talking at nine months. When I think about that, the loss I feel is too deep for words. It's something that starts to consume me and pull me down into depression. The only thing that saves me is remembering that God has promised an eternity where every tear will be wiped from my eyes and death and sorrow will be no more (Revelation 21). I long for that day!

Today was really tough for me. This baby has started moving a lot more and every time I feel him kick I think about Matthew. I guess it's because I don't have a face or name for him yet, so by default I think of Matthew. Regardless, it's been really hard lately to not think of this baby as another Matthew. I know in my head that he's his own separate person, but because of all the similarities to my pregnancy with Matthew, I just feel like I'm reliving last year.

I miss my little boy so much! There are times when I still feel like its all been a bad dream and he can't really be gone. I still feel like this can't really be happening to me. I ask for your prayers as I continue to weep over him and struggle to accept this as part of God's plan for my life.

Happy birthday Claire!

Today my little girl turns 2! It's amazing. I feel like it's been minutes since I gave birth to her, yet here she is running around chattering about everything like a little girl! What happened to my baby?!

Needless to say, we are so in love with her! She's still an easy-going little girl, though signs of the "terrible-twos" pop up every now and then - yikes! She likes to tell me what she does and doesn't like and when I ask her questions, she says "Ya" like she's already a teenager :) She's love puzzles and books and eating and night-night time. She doesn't like loud noises or eggs or strange men (good!). She repeats everything we say and tries to imitate our poses, especially Cole's.

She is also becoming quite inquisitive. One day last week, I went in the get her up from her nap time and found her completely naked, with her clothes and diaper on the floor. As I walked in, she announced "PEE PEE!" very delightedly and pointed down. Yes, she had pee-peed all over the bed.

She also likes to watch me do everything - from going to the bathroom, to brushing my teeth, to putting on my shoes, to cleaning - all while announcing it in play-by-play style.

All in all, we are so thankful for our little girl! She makes our lives much sweeter :)

Happy birthday baby girl!!!

My heart

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands.

For You are who You are

No matter where I am.

And every tear I cried

You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm. 

~Casting Crowns

Holiday Ball

This year the Nickell family headed up to Columbia for the annual Military Academies Holiday Ball. The last time we went was 6 years ago right after Cole and I started dating. Here are some fun pics from the night!

Claire's Christmas

This little girl had a very merry Christmas! We spent Christmas day in Aiken, then headed up to Asheville the day after. She was spoiled again by all of her relatives and ended up with far more presents than Cole and I combined. Ahhhh, the price of being little and cute :)

4 years ago today....

... Cole and I got married at the young, young age of 21. Seriously, we were just babies :) Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes I can't remember a time when we weren't together. I am so thankful that God put this man in my life.

I remember meeting him as a freshman at Covenant College (he was still 17!!!) and thinking, "Gosh, he's cute. But there's no way this guy will ever be interested in you Julia. Don't even go there." So I didn't. I was resolute in being "just friends" for a year and a half. During that time we got to know each other better than we probably would've otherwise. We played on an intramural team, had a few classes together, went on a few study dates, and eventually realized that we were more than just friends. We started dating and within a few months I knew that he was the one for me and vice versa. The rest is history.

Now as I look back on our dating and marriage, I'm so thankful for how God brought us together. I really did get to marry my best friend and he really has stuck by me for better and for worse. Four years ago we never could have anticipated the ups and downs of this last year, but God has been faithful in keeping us close together.

Just for fun, here are my top five favorite things about my husband:
1) He is an amazing daddy. Watching him with Claire makes me so thankful!
2) He is super smart! I will never have to worry about keeping up with technology because it's in his blood and he can always solve my problems for me :)
3) He is deeply mature and yet amazingly immature at the same time. I don't know how he does it. One minute he can be preaching the most amazing, convicting message I've ever heard, and the next minute he's teaching Claire how shovel food into her mouth.
4) He is incredibly (and naturally) athletic. He can not work out for a month and eat cookies every day, but he will still have his 8-pack abs and be able to chase down a frisbee faster than anyone else. I hope our kids inherit those genes!
5) He is a people person. He never meets a stranger and he is great at loving everyone, not just the popular people. While I tend to get caught up in tasks and goals, he always puts relationships first.

I love you Cole and am blessed to be your wife! Happy Anniversary!