Happiness

There are times when I get caught up in my feelings. I let them control my day and dictate how I respond to the people around me. When I'm in a good mood, all is well with the world. When I'm in a bad mood, beware! I tend to make everyone around suffer along with me. 

Today as I was reading the blogs of my friends, I stumbled upon this quote that one of them had posted, and it hit me over the head with it's truth.  

"I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be "happy." I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all."

- Leo C. Rosten

It made me sorry for how I let my "happiness" dictate my life, rather than letting my joy fill even the bad days. I know I have plenty to complain about, but God never promised that my life would be easy or "happy." He told me that He would give me joy and that the purpose of that joy was to be a light to the lost world around me. How silly I am to forget that so easily. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P.S. Happy birthday Mom! Oh, and a belated one to you too Dad :)

My Only Comfort

Q: What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A: That I am not my own, but belong - body and soul, in life and in death - to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in Heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to Him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

Life...

Someone once told me, "You'll be both relieved and saddened by how quickly life will return to normal." I found this to be so true today. I spent the afternoon at a church get-together with old friends that know of our circumstance and new friends who don't. I was able to get so caught up in the games and conversation that I completely forgot about Matthew for a few hours.

Then it hit me. I have a dead child. I am not normal. I felt the pain all over again and suddenly wanted to retreat into myself and hide.

Then I looked up at all the people I was with and thought, "You know, to them I look so ok, so fine. If they didn't know me, then they'd never be able to guess that anything was wrong with my life." It was both nice and terrifying at the same time.

Nice because it feels so good be normal and because I just want to feel young and free again.

But terrifying because I feel like Matthew's memory is already slipping away so fast and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Streams in the Desert

Should Sorrow lay her hand upon thy shoulder,

And walk with thee in silence on life's way,

While Joy, thy bright companion once, grown colder,

Becomes to thee more distant day by day?

Shrink not from the companionship of Sorrow,

She is the messenger of God to thee;

And thou wilt thank Him in His great tomorrow - 

For what thou knowest not now, thou then shalt see;

She is God's angel, clad in weeds of night,

With "whom we walk by faith and not by sight."

-from Streams in the Desert 

My Sisters :)

I never got a sister. I prayed and prayed that both my younger brothers would be girls and I distinctly remember the disappointment when both times I was told, "You have a little brother!" All I wanted was someone to play dress-up with. I even begged my parents to adopt a girl, but alas, I just wasn't meant to have a sister. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still made them play dress-up, but that didn't last long... just long enough for me to be able to share this with you :)

Haha. My poor bro's! Of course, now I'm forever grateful for my brothers and loved every minute of being able to play the "I'm-the-only-girl-so-I'm-special" card. My brothers are so much fun and taught me to be more of a sporty girl. But there are certain things you miss growing up with brothers. 

Thankfully, I had cousins: Melissa and Sarah Parker. Growing up they were my sisters. We all had brothers, so when our families got together, the boys would go play cowboys and indians outside and we would have fashion shows inside. We gave each other makeovers, talked about boys, watched chick flicks together, and had heart-to-heart conversations long into the night. 

This past weekend, my aunts and cousins treated me to a beach get-away. It was so refreshing! I got to sleep in every day, lay in the sun for hours, watch Jane Austen movies, and catch up on our girl talk. We've all changed so much since high school and it was good to hear about what God is doing in all of our lives. They let me cry about Matthew and made me laugh until my stomach hurt with their singing and dancing antics! I love these girls so much and just wanted to say thank you for always being there for me! 

Dancing before my wedding :)

Being there in every season of my life. 

These are my sisters! Love you Mel and SP! 

I'm a Milkin' Mama :)

Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I haven't shared this with many people, but for a while now I've been in the process of donating all the milk I pumped while Matthew was alive. While he was still with us, I was so faithful in pumping every day because I wanted to give him the best shot at life that I could. Whenever he got a feeding in the hospital (whether through the tube or bottle) it was always my milk. I also wanted still have a full supply when he got home.

Well, that day never came and I arrived home from Charleston with a freezer full of milk that I no longer knew what to do with. It made me mad to look at it and think about all the hours I spent with that stupid breast pump when it was all for nothing. I hated, I repeat, HATED pumping! I felt like a cow and resented that I was hooked up to a machine rather than having my baby in my arms like a regular mother.

I almost threw it all away, but for some reason the idea of donating it popped into my head. I had never heard of anyone else who had done that, but I figured, hey, might as well try. I called MCG and MUSC and neither of those hospitals accepted donated milk. So then I went online and found these twin sisters out in California that have started a breast milk donation site called Milkin' Mamas. The milk they receive is sent to a lab that makes human milk fortifier and is used in NICUs around the country. Most of the babies that benefit from this are premies who have complications due to their small size and underdeveloped organs.

So I started the qualification process about a month ago (lots of questions, blood tests, and genetic screening), was approved, and yesterday I finally packed up all my milk and shipped it out - 425 ounces of it!

I took a picture of Claire with the two boxed-up coolers :)

It sure doesn't make up for missing Matthew, but still, I'm so thankful that I was able donate and maybe, just maybe help prevent another mom from having to go through what I just went through.

Little Miss Sunshine

Claire really is the bright spot our days. She keeps us (me especially) from wallowing in sorrow and she reminds us that life still has joy.

Little miss cute stuff is one and a half now and I thought she deserved a special post. I've neglected sharing about her these past few months because I've been so caught up in Matthew's news. She is still active as ever and her newest activity is climbing! She scales things that we think are impossible for her and she is always exploring. The down side to this is that she gets easily bored just "hanging out". I'm seeing more of a whiny side to her these days. I don't know if it's just a new stage or if it's her reaction to all that's happened with Matthew. Whatever the reason is, she's more clingy and needy right now. But she also gives me more hugs, which I don't mind one bit!

Here are some pictures of her that I took this morning:

Quite the little reader

She wants to come see the pictures I'm taking

Uh oh... something's not right

Aaaah, the sound of whining in the morning :)

Now she decides to be cute again 

I get a hug! 

Ooo, and a kiss!

Cole teaching her "trust falls"

"Hmm daddy, this refrigerator's kind of high!" 

There she goes! (This child has no fear.)

We love our little Claire and are so grateful for the sunshine she brings! (And the patience she teaches us.)

Revelation 21:4-5

People ask me a lot how I'm doing. What a weird question. How am I doing? Some days I'm sad, some days I'm mad, and some days the sorrow is so deep I don't think I will ever dig my way out.

I also have lots of questions. Most of them are directed at God. I want to know why God didn't save Matthew. I want to know why other people around me are having perfectly normal babies and I'm left with empty arms. I'm wondering why God chose our family to go through this.

Many people offer suggestions that might sound helpful but really aren't. I feel like we as Christians want to make sense of loss, so we come up with explanations like, "It was for the best" and "It was his time to go." I know I've even said those things myself. But here's the truth - I have no idea.

I don't know why God didn't heal him. I know God could have, but for some reason He chose not to. I'm disappointed and even mad sometimes that He didn't.

But here's the thing. I know that God knows this whole story and how it's all going to end. And I know that He weeps with me over my loss, not because He's helpless like I am, but because He knows that I can't see the whole picture. Like He wept with Mary and Martha over the loss of their brother Lazarus, He weeps with me because He cares about me. He feels my pain and He aches over it.

He also knows that one day I will see Matthew again. And in that day, death and sorrow will be no more. In fact, He has promised that He will wipe away every tear from my eyes.

So here's how I'm doing - I'm sad and I'm confused and I miss my son deeply. But this is what I know - God is real and He is in control. I don't have the answers but I believe in the promise of eternity and I trust God when He says that He will make all things new.