7 months

Once Clay turns one, I'll probably stop posting monthly updates. But I found the ones I did of Claire's first year so helpful, that I figured I'd keep going with his for awhile, if only to look back on them for reference someday.

Clay at 7 months old:

Height: who knows...

Weight: who knows...

Sleeps: not so great. I don't know if it's a growth spurt or his new found love of moving, but he hates naps these days. He is still a great night sleeper though, going from about 8 am to 8 pm.

Eats: still loves the bottle and is eating a larger variety of baby food.

Movement: this is the big thing I want to remember - he's already standing up! About two weeks ago he pulled up on the stairs, which was great but not that hard to do. Then a few days later he pulled up on the couch and then the coffee table and then me! Now it's all he wants to do :) His balance is getting better and better and he only needs one hand to stabilize himself. Last night Cole was watching him and he crawled all the way up the stairs. Needless to say, I think he'll be walking very soon!

Personality: Loves people and attention. He does not like to be left alone. When I put him in the jumperoo or the swing, he complains and complains! He wants to be out and exploring :) All in all, he's a happy baby. (He's just become a handful with all his movement!)

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is upon us and I'm going to be so busy in the next few days that I thought I'd just go ahead and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

This is the first year that I've tried explaining Christmas to Claire and she kinda gets it. When I mention Jesus though, she always start talking about Matthew because she knows that Jesus, heaven, and Matthew are all linked somehow :). I think it's awesome that I can tell her that Jesus' birth is the reason that we don't have to be sad about Matthew.

It's our hope that all of you feel that peace this year also! May the celebration of Christ's birth renew His hope, love, and joy in your hearts! ~ Merry Christmas from the Nickells ~

He can climb!

Yesterday Clay found the stairs! And today he pulled up on a bench. So it looks like it won't be long before he walks :) Yikes! 

Doesn't he looked so pleased with himself? But 2 seconds later he face-planted onto the rug. Poor little guy! It's rough being a baby :)

6 months

Oops! Clay was six months about two weeks ago. I can still post his stats, right? Do y'all even care? Who knows. I'll just do for myself so I can look back and remember :)

Height: 27 inches (one inch longer than Claire as this age)
Weight: 16 lbs 4 oz (almost 2 1/2 lbs heavier than Claire was)
Sleeps: 3 naps a day lasting about 1 1/2 - 2 hours each and sleeps from 8:30 pm - 8ish am at night.
Eats: 4 bottles and lots of baby food!
Personality: Soooo much energy, just like his sista! He can crawl and sit up on his own already! OMG! I can no longer put him on the play mat and leave him because he pops right up and goes wandering. This house officially needs to be baby-proofed again. He's still a smiley little guy and just lights up when he sees a face he loves :) He looks so much older with his big-boy haircut and he's cutting teeth, so my baby is quickly becoming a little man :( They grow up way too fast!

We're moving!

Whew! I can finally share with you all that Cole has accepted the position of Youth Pastor at The Vine Community Church in Atlanta. We've been talking to them since August, but it wasn't official until last week and we just told our home church, NCPC, yesterday. It's been hard keeping it quiet because we're pretty excited about it! We'd been planning to leaving Aiken for awhile now to start seminary, but Cole has been loving youth ministry so much that we've kept delaying it. Now, with this opportunity, Cole will be able to stay in youth ministry while going to Reformed Theological Seminary in Atlanta part-time. His start date at the church is January 28th.

The biggest thing we need prayer for right now is that we'll sell our house! Yes, we still own 281 Southbank Drive and our renter is out and it's once again on the market. We really, really want to sell it so that we can buy again in Atlanta. We'll probably just rent until that happens.

Anyway, that's our big news for now! We're so excited to start this new chapter, but sorry to leave behind so many good friends behind. We've been through so much in our 5 years here. We began married life together, started a family, lost a child, and so much more. It will be bittersweet to leave...

Thanksgiving

What am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the warm, heavy spot on my chest where my son's head lay last night as I rocked him to sleep. I am thankful for his peaceful, deep breathing as he lay so trustingly in my arms. I am thankful for the absolute joy I felt in that moment. I am thankful that God has turned my mourning into dancing.

After Matthew died, my arms literally ached with the longing to hold him. All I ever wanted was to bring him home and be able to rock him to sleep. The whole time he was in the hospital, that was my goal. To get him home. To have him all to myself. To watch him fall asleep in my arms and feel his peaceful breathing on my cheek. And when that never happened, I was crushed.

So today I am grateful that I've been blessed with another chance to have that moment with Clay. My heart overflows with thankfulness at God faithfulness over the past year and a half.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Family fun!

The day I gave my 5 month-old a haircut :(

Today I gave Clay a haircut.

I am still in shock.

He had such luscious, long hair! What was I thinking???

I just kept trimming and trimming and trimming...

Now he looks....... old. Like a real person. With a buzz cut.

*sigh*

(Before)

(After)

At least it will grow back - eventually. 

This little boy...

... is just precious! 

But as much as I love him and as much as he has helped heal my heart, he can't replace Matthew. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish he could know his big brother. (Doesn't that sound silly, calling Matthew a big brother? He was only 7 weeks old when he died... he was a big anything.) My heart hurts when I look at Clay and sometimes see Matthew in him. I so wish that I could see both my boys together! 

Claire started talking to me about Matthew randomly last week and I tried to explain to her where he was and why he wasn't with us anymore. Of course she can't understand, so watching her try to wrap her little brain around it was bittersweet for me. I love that she's curious about him, but I hate that she doesn't understand why she can't see him. I tried to explain that he was in the hospital and doctors tried to fix his heart, but he was too sick, so he went to be with Jesus in heaven. But now every time we pass our doctor's office she says, "That's the doctor mommy? That's where Matthew is sick and he sees Jesus?" 

So I guess that's stirred memories and made the last few days hard for me. I know that God is holding Matthew in his arms and I know that one day it will all be ok. I just miss him. I love and miss my little boy and I wish he could be part of our life here on earth.  

Trick or Treat!

Look-a-likes

Back when Claire was born, I put up her baby picture next to Cole and my baby pictures. It was obvious that she looked more like Cole:

Now look at Clay compared to me: 

Haha! Pretty obvious he inherited my crazy hair :) 

Adventures in potty training!

I first tried potty training back in April, before Clay was born. I thought it would be a good idea to get Claire out of diapers before Clay got here. But after having 5 accidents within the first hour and then almost no successful pees in the potty during the next day and a half, I gave up! I was too pregnant and too tired to deal with a little girl who was obviously NOT ready.

Now here we are six months later giving it another try. Claire has showed much more interest in the potty these last few months and has expressed the desire to "pee pee in the potty like Mommy" many times. Plus, I'm not a fan of having two in diapers. Its expensive and I feel like all I do is change diapers!

Yesterday went beautifully until about 6 pm. She only had two accidents and was very in tune with her need to "go." (She even went number two, which I hear is hard for little ones to do.) I think the main motivator was getting an M&M every time she successfully went in the potty :)

Around dinner time she kinda lost it though. I think she was a little stressed out honestly! She just started crying about everything and getting herself so worked up that she choked. So I told her that she had done a great job and we put her diaper back on her for the night.

Today is going well too! Woo hoo! I'm not gonna lie... potty training is probably the thing I was dreading most about raising a little one, so I'm glad that it's not (quite) as bad as I thought :)

Here she is in her big girl underwear! Go Claire! 

Not fair

For the past few weeks I've been praying for a women I don't even know, but whom I feel close to because of one huge thing we have in common - she was pregnant with a baby with a major birth defect. I say 'was pregnant' because she had her baby girl this past week and she lived for a couple hours before passing into the arms of Jesus. Now this family is left with the ache of missing their little girl. 

Every time I hear of a story like this, it brings the memories of Matthew flooding back and I'm left again thinking how unfair life can seem. I wish I could fully grasp why these tragedies happen. I believe with all my heart that God has a plan and that He walks with us through moments of unbearable pain and sadness, but I wish so much that we could be spared the pain. I wish we could experience the joy of heaven right now, instead of being stuck in this broken world. 

All about Claire

Lately I've been posting a lot about Clay and Matthew, but honestly, Claire is the one who keeps me on  my toes these days! This little girl is a fireball of energy. I think she is 100% Cole's child, from her devilish little grin to the way she bounces around all day. She's changing so much right now that it's challenging to keep up with her, especially with a new baby.

From the day she was born she's always been a sweet girl and amazingly easy-going, but I have to admit that she might possibly, maybe, hopefully not, be entering "the terrible 2's!" My first clue was when she started getting out of her bed. You see, for the first two months of having her big girl bed, not once did she step even one toe out of that bed. Then suddenly she started getting out all the time! I'd find "evidence" after almost every nap time or night time... sometimes it was a toy that wasn't in her bed when I put her down, sometimes it was her shoes that mysteriously got themselves out of her closet and landed next to her bed, other times I'd walk in and the light would be on and she's be looking at me like, "What, mom?" Now it's just blatant and she makes no effort to hide it. Most of the time I hear her roaming around, so I go in and check on her. The minute she hears the door start to open she'll make a beeline for the bed and start crying, cause she knows she's going to get a spanking. I always sit her down and make her look me in the eyes and say, "Claire, I told you not to get out of bed. You disobeyed. What do you say?" Then she'll apologize and say she was wrong and I'll kiss her and tuck her back in bed. Ten minutes later, she's out again and we repeat the process.

And this process is repeated with everything else too. I tell her not to throw food off her plate. She throws it. I spank her. She apologizes. I forgive her. We resume eating. Next mealtime, I leave her alone for two seconds and when I come back, food is mysteriously on the floor again and she's closing her eyes and trying to hide her face from me. It's an endless cycle it seems. Not to mention the whining, the constant noise-making, the freak-outs when she doesn't get her way... so yes, Claire is growing up and asserting herself more and more, which means sometimes this 2 1/2 year-old is terrible.

But then she's also incredibly sweet. Along with the independence comes lots of mimicking as she tries to learn from me. She's constantly telling me, "Good job momma!!" whenever I do anything she thinks is praiseworthy (usually that's something like dressing Clay or washing dishes). She also like to say, "Oh, oopsie. I'm sorry momma" and then laugh at herself whenever she messes up or does something silly. I guess that's what I do when I makes mistakes??? :)

My favorite thing is having her do her makeup with me. I usually get ready in the morning while Clay naps and Claire likes to follow me into my bathroom and participate. She stands on the toilet next to me and brushes her hair and puts on my "bandaids" (hairbands... she can't differentiate the two because they both have 'band' in them) and often asks me to "make a ponytail in her hair." Then while I put my make-up on, she smears on all three kinds of my chapstick, curls her eyelashes (basically she just puts it over her eyes and says "I see you!") and rubs my powder brush all over her face (don't worry, I don't use that one). When I'm done I say, "We're all done!" and we both look in the mirror and she says, "Ooo we look so nice momma!" Then sometimes she marches into my closet and says, "What you should wear momma? Oh, how 'bout 'dis?" and she'll pull a dress off the hanger or a shirt off the shelf. She's always so complimentary of me. And I try to be positive about her and myself. I don't ever want her to think she's not pretty enough or skinny enough or tan enough because she's heard me complain about myself.

She also loves to sing! Sometimes she makes up songs, but mostly she sings from memory. Every night when we put the kids to bed, we sing to them. I used to think Claire wasn't even listening until one day I heard her singing "There Is A Redeemer" in the backseat of the car. The one that took me the longest to figure out was "In Christ Alone." She only sings "what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease, my Comforter, my All in All" and then she repeats it. The only problem is, she's 2, so the words are just sounds to her and get jumbled together. I finally figured out what she was singing when I figured that "my tomforter"was "Comforter" and "awinaw" was "All in All." I love hearing her sing, even if it's the theme song from Dora the Explorer. Claire's little voice is just so sweet!

So there ya go! She's still a sunny little girl, just with a bit more stubbornness these days. I am so thankful for her, even when she wears me out. I realize my need for patience and love daily and am constantly humbled by my inadequacy. I'm also amazed by her love for me, even when I fail as a parent. At the end of every day, after all the spankings and crying fits and rebukes and apologies, she still wants me to hold her and sing to her. What a gift!

Psalm 127:3 

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward."

Struggling to remember

Last night it happened for the first time. I tried to picture Matthew in my head, but all my brain could come up with was images of Clay. I tried harder but still, I could only come up with the pictures and videos that I've looked through a hundred times, no actual undocumented memories. You know how that is, as time passes we all need visual stimulants to help boost our memories. I just didn't think it would happen this fast. I tried so hard while he was alive to stamp every moment into my heart and mind, but even so, they're already fading. It breaks my heart. I don't want to forget a single moment of my little boy's life. I want to be able to close my eyes and remember what he sounded like, smelled like, and what it felt like to hold him because that's all I have.

I hate that it's already a struggle to remember.

4 months!

Clay had his 4 month check-up today and it looks like he's doing great!

- Weight: 14 lbs 2 oz
- Height: 25 1/2 inches long
- Sleeps: 10 hours at night (10pm - 8am!) & takes four 2-hour naps during the day
- Eats: 5 times a day
- Personality: Sweet as can be! And flirty :)
- Still has all his crazy, dark hair. I think this kid will need a haircut by the time he's 6 months!
- Loves his sister and is very entertained by her. Every morning when Claire wakes up, she runs straight to Clay to say hi and gush, "Ooo, he's so cute. Ooo, I love him!" She then wraps him in a bear hug until I pry her off so that he can breath again.
- Rolls everywhere now. Front to back, back to front and he's even trying to crawl. Cole noticed him doing an army crawl thing yesterday morning.
- Love this little guy! He is such a blessing!

Flirty Clay

Here's my baby boy flirting with his reflection!

Ramblings...

Well I'm back after not having much to say this past month. August wasn't really busy, I think I was just tired. Blame it on the newborn :)

For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.

I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.

On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.

Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.

So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.

Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!

New Haircut

Rather than chopping off my hair like I usually do when I want a change, I added bangs. And I unpermed my hair. Well, my hairstylist did. The perm is gone! Woo hoo! 

3 months of Clay!

Out little guy is three months old today as sweet as ever.

- I have no idea what he weighs or how long he is, but he sure is a fat, healthy baby!
- I switched him to the 3 1/2 hour schedule today, so that means he is awake for an hour and a half, sleeps for two hours, and repeats. He's been "sleeping" through the night for a month now, but he makes so much noise that I'm not sleeping through the night, so I think I'll be moving him to Claire's room soon.
- He just found his voice the other day and loves to yell at his toys now :)
- Like his sister at this age, he loves to stand and is constantly crunching his abs in an effort to sit up. Just call him "crossfit baby!"
- Other than that, he's still sweet, happy, and wonderful! I still feel a little stuck at home, but that will pass.

(These pics are a little dark, but I grabbed the only camera that was nearby and didn't have much time to fiddle with the settings. Gotta catch the smiles while they last! )

We're back... finally!

Hello hello! We've been on vacation for the past two weeks and even though I had my iPad, I just didn't feel like blogging. I was too busy sleeping in, taking longs walks on the beach, reading good books...

Oh wait, I didn't do any of those things! I have kids now... which means vacation is no longer the relaxing thing it once was. *sigh*

But I did have a great time seeing family and enjoying all the activity surrounding me, including the Olympics! For the first week we were with my whole family at North Litchfield Beach. And when I say my whole family, I mean my WHOLE, ENTIRE, HUGE family! We had a reunion with my dad's side, which includes him and his four brothers and four step-sisters, twenty-four of us cousins (and our spouses), and six of our own kids. I think there were 48 of us total :) We all hung out on the beach every day and then gathered for dessert at a different house every night. It was great seeing everyone!

The second week were we with Cole's family at Isle of Palms Beach. This week was quieter, with just his immediate family, his aunt and uncle, two cousins, and grandmother. But the big thing about this week was his brother's engagement! Chad decided to follow in Cole's footsteps and pop the question on the beach. Donna was so surprised and said YES!, of course :) We also had fun playing games, going into Charleston, and filming Chad & Donna's engagement video (well, mostly Cole did that part, but we all helped)!

So now we're home again! I'm tuckered out from all the activity and glad to be back. Claire got pretty whiny by the end of the second week, so I'm hoping that she adjusts well to life at home again. Clay was a champ and was great for both weeks, though I'm still not getting much sleep at night. (We're gonna work on that this week!)

I'll leave you with a sampling of the pics we took:

My dad reading to Bru and Claire.

My fam - James, mom, Caroline, dad, Clay, me, Claire, Cole, Rochelle, Margaret, Bruton, Cal, & Sam.

Sweet (and sometimes feisty) cousins - Claire, Clay, Caroline, Margaret, and Bruton.

Sam, Cole, and James buried alive!

Even Claire got buried! 

Cole's family and the Texas cousins! 

Donna and Chad - she said YES! 

Nickell gang - Claire, Cole, me, Clay, Chad, Donna, Dana, Granny, Nick, Ryan, & Julia.

Our little family :)

My man! 

2 months

Clay hit the 2 month mark last Friday, so I thought I'd list his stats:

Weight: 13 lbs. 2 oz. and he is CHUNKY! 90th percentile for weight. Love it :)
Height: 23 1/2 inches long.
Eats: Confession time - I just quit nursing and put him on 'the bottle'! I know, I know... I'm a terrible, selfish mother. I had a full supply, he was nursing ok - I am just tired! Three babies in three years is too much. Nursing was stressing me out and I am simply tired of my body not being my own for the last three years. I waited until he got to the 2 month mark and had filled out and then I threw in the towel. Feel free to start judging though. (But does it help that it's organic formula???) :)
Sleeps: He is scheduled! Woo hoo! He eats, plays for an hour, and then sleeps for 2 hours, all day long. Every once in a while he throws me a curve ball and does something funky with nap time, but for the most part, he's like clockwork. Twice he's made it through the night (with lots of help from the paci) but it's too early to tell that will become a habit or not. For the most part, he goes to bed around 8, wakes up once around 3 am to eat, then sleeps till 7 or 7:30. Not too bad.
Personality: So sweet! I didn't think it was possible to have another easy-going child like Claire, (I've heard about 2nd and 3rd children being stubborn little devils) but so far he seems to go with the flow and not be much of a crier. Yay Clay!

Getting things done!

Cole has been gone all this week and will be gone most of the next week and then the entire week after that. Which means it's kind of lonely around here and I'm starting to go crazy with the two kids!

So instead of going crazy and having my husband come home to a basket-case of a wife, I decided to make a nice long to-do list to keep myself busy and sane (I'm a neat-freak, so checking things off a to-do list gives me more satisfaction than should be normal).

Here's my list for this week:
- Buy a new vacuum and then clean, dust, mop the entire house
- Organize all the paper floating around our house into neat files
- Wash and put up all maternity clothes (woo hoo!)
- Clean bathrooms and organize the stuff hanging out on the counter tops (I bought some wall shelves at Target to help with this.)
- Paint an old shelf white and then use it to organize all of Cole's stuff in our room
- Get together items for Goodwill and drop them off
- Put away all the videography gear that's all over the living room and bedroom

Check, check, and check! I've pretty much gotten it all done except for actually dropping the stuff off at Goodwill.

So here's the list to keep me busy the next two weeks:
- Upload 2011 pics to Shutterfly, order them, put them in photos albums
- Clean out and organize our storage space then...
- THROW JUNK AWAY!
- Plan my beach menus
- Work on my base tan
- And lastly... clean the house again before we leave for the beach

Ahhhhhhh... being organized and getting things done. It's good for the soul :)

7 weeks and 2 days

Today Clay is 7 weeks and 2 days old, the same age Matthew was when he died.

Very weird.

Very hard.

I really don't know how I lived through that. When I look at my little Clay and try to imagine saying goodbye, I start to cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Matthew, I cry knowing that my boys will never meet in this life.

Seven weeks is so short. Way too short. But it's also long enough to really get attached, to love someone with your whole heart and then to feel your heart almost physically break when you have to say goodbye.

Oh gosh. I miss Matthew a lot today.

Me at one month :)

I figured "Hey! I did all the work bringing Clay into this world, why does he get a status update and not me?!" So here are my stats at a little over one month post-pregnancy :)

- Lost all my baby weight (but then again, I only gained 16 lbs)
- Have not, however, lost all the puffiness and jiggliness. I'm still sporting the rounded belly (and it being bathing suit season does not help!)
- Therefore I am working out at least 4x a week... running, swimming, biking, cross fitting.... etc.
- Which makes me really wish I was sleeping thru the night
- Because I have no extra energy
- Which means the Claire spends a lot of time watching "Monkey George" (Curious George)
- But that's ok, right?!
- I am learning that having two is a lot trickier than one. I feel like I am constantly changing diapers and feeding one or the other of them. I'm hoping that everything gets a little more streamline in a few months.
- I feel like I can't really go anywhere yet because Clay sleeps so much. Also, it being 100 degrees everyday doesn't help. There's no way I'm dragging two kids around in this heat!
- But most important, in the midst of all this craziness and transition, I am LOVING my new little boy! He is so sweet and he is doing wonders to heal my broken heart. I am so thankful for him and wouldn't trade him for all the sleep in world! :)

Claire & Clay's first photo shoot!

Claire and Clay had their first photo shoot on Saturday. One of the perks of Cole's cinematography business is that he has all the nice gear for things like this, so we'll never have to pay anyone for "professional" photos! Claire was in a really good mood when we took these, but Clay is a little serious. Once he starts smiling more, we'll do a re-take :) Enjoy!