Happy Birthday Matthew

Today Matthew would've been one year old.

One year old!

I can't even imagine what that would be like. It seems like so long since he was with us. I still miss him everyday and with the arrival of Clay fast approaching, he's on my mind even more more. I find myself wondering what he would look like, if he would be walking, talking, etc.

I vividly remember this day last year. I was so nervous as we went to the hospital, but at the same time I felt peace that God was directing every detail. I had so much hope then. I thought that once he was born, doctors would be able to perform the needed surgeries and he would live. Of course, once he was born and we understood the magnitude of his problems, I wrestled every day to keep that hope. There were so many days that Cole and I thought we were going to lose him, but I think that I always held on to the hope that God would let him be my "miracle baby." I never really thought that he would die, probably because I didn't think that I could survive losing him.

Now here we are, a year later... a year that's been the hardest of my life. I am so thankful for how God has walked with me through this year, helping me to move through the sorrow, anger, depression, disappointment, jealousy, and self-pity. I know I've got a long way to go, but seeing God's faithfulness has forever changed my view of life and of Him.

So today, on Matthew's birthday, we are crying, yes, but we are also rejoicing over his precious life and are so thankful that God gave us him to us for 7 weeks and 2 days. Mostly, we are longing for the day when we can see him again.

Happy birthday baby boy! 

Escape Artist???

Early Saturday morning, as I was in the middle of my crazy pregnant-lady dreaming, I felt a little tap on my shoulder and pulling on the covers. Groggily, I rolled over and opened my eyes to see Claire's little face grinning at me and saying, "Hey Mommy!" I blinked and rubbed my eyes and exclaimed, "Baby girl, how'd you get here!" She kept grinning and chatting away and saying, "Eat breakfast?!" I looked at the clock - 6:52 am -  and said, "No Claire, it's not breakfast time yet. Did you climb out of your crib?" She nodded. I said, "Baby girl, you're not allowed to get out of bed till Mommy gets you. It's too early!" So I scooped her up and took her back to her room, put her in her crib, and told her not to climb out again. She looked disappointed, but nodded and said "Yes mommy." I walked back across the house, climbed in bed, and had no sooner pulled the covers over my head then I heard a CRASH and immediate crying. I ran back to Claire's room and found her on the hardwood floor with a stream of blood coming out of her nose :( I picked her up and comforted her and wiped all the blood away. Then we had a long chat about why she's not supposed to climb out of her crib.

She hasn't done it again, but I'm sensing that the next episode is not far away. As active as she's always been, I'm surprised it hadn't happened earlier. I guess she finally got bored enough to figure it out! Oh Claire......... :)

36 weeks

And I feel like a walrus. You can't tell from this picture, but I feel like sometimes I might actually explode :) Here's hoping I can make it 4 more weeks!!! Come on Clay!

Oh, and Happy Easter from all of us! We finally got our family pic :)

Plans

On Tuesday, Cole and I took time away from the distractions of life to go spend time together with the Lord and seek His direction for our future. After visiting Covenant Seminary last month, we are confident that this is where God is leading us, but we have been wrestling with when to go. We really wanted to make sure that we were following the Lord’s leading and not just making a selfish decision. So we drove up to my grandparent’s house at Lake Murray and spent a few hours singing songs, studying the Bible, and praying together. We made a list of pros for going now and for waiting another year and then discussed what was really important to us. Our theme verse for the day was Psalm 37:4, which says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Our aim was to make sure that we were seeking the Lord’s leading and delighting ourselves in Him as we made our decision. There were good reasons for both, but Cole felt a stronger desire to stay another year and enjoy ministering at New Covenant. He wrestled with whether this desire was from God or a selfish one and really prayed and thought through it. As the day came to a close, that desire had not diminished. We felt like this was God’s leading, so we made the decision to wait until fall of 2013 to go to Covenant Seminary. We feel peace about it and are excited about our future! Just wanted to give y'all an update!

Happy Easter!

Claire and I spent Easter weekend in Asheville with my family. Cole had a wedding to film on Saturday and was busy with Easter services all day Sunday, so he couldn't be with us, but all the rest of my family was together. It's rare that we're all in the same place at once, so we took full advantage of the time together and the nice weather! 

Caroline, Claire, and Bruton enjoying the "slack line" with their uncles

The family picture... as good as it gets with three little ones :)

Cute cousins!

Beach!

This past week and weekend, Claire and I spent some time at Pawley's Island with my parents, just chill'axin on the beach. Claire loved the sand! And she even got in the water with my dad (mom and I weren't so brave)! We didn't do much, so I'll just let the pics speak for themselves.