3 months

Today is three months since Matthew died and I've really struggled emotionally all day. Church was hard; I basically ran in and dropped Claire off at the nursery and then went straight to my seat and sat down without talking to anyone. When it was the greeting time, Pastor Mike said, "Turn and greet each other with the joy you have this morning," and I turned and looked at Cole and said, "I don't have any joy. I'm going to the bathroom." Then I ran out right as the service ended and went straight home to cry and sleep.

I don't know why it's suddenly gotten so much harder. I felt like I finally had a handle on it, but all of a sudden, the loss is hitting me over and over again. I ache to hold him and I find that my memory is beginning to fade. I have cried and cried this week over those last days with him and how I wish I had known that I had so little time left. I thought we were practically on our way home and just took for granted that nothing bad would happen. I feel so stupid now. I wish I had seen every moment as precious and taken every minute to hold and kiss him.

There are so many things I would've done differently. I try so hard not to have regrets, but this week they have overwhelmed me. Every thing I wish I had done differently is coming to mind and leaving me a crying mess.

I would really appreciate your prayers this week. I so badly want to be joyful and be thankful that my baby is perfectly healed and happy in heaven, but all I can think about is how much I miss him.