Matthew would've been nine months old yesterday. Claire was walking and talking at nine months. When I think about that, the loss I feel is too deep for words. It's something that starts to consume me and pull me down into depression. The only thing that saves me is remembering that God has promised an eternity where every tear will be wiped from my eyes and death and sorrow will be no more (Revelation 21). I long for that day!
Today was really tough for me. This baby has started moving a lot more and every time I feel him kick I think about Matthew. I guess it's because I don't have a face or name for him yet, so by default I think of Matthew. Regardless, it's been really hard lately to not think of this baby as another Matthew. I know in my head that he's his own separate person, but because of all the similarities to my pregnancy with Matthew, I just feel like I'm reliving last year.
I miss my little boy so much! There are times when I still feel like its all been a bad dream and he can't really be gone. I still feel like this can't really be happening to me. I ask for your prayers as I continue to weep over him and struggle to accept this as part of God's plan for my life.
I feel like I know you, though obviously I do not! I am really good friends with Aaron Bloemsma, our folks went to Seminary together. I am old, lol compared to Aaron. I am a stay at home mother of 4. I am ' bout to be 32. I have written you letter after letter& deleted them and told my heavenly Papa I would send the letter another time. This started a yr ago. He told me tonight to just write what I can now and send the note. The Lord led me to you and Cole, Claire's & Matthews life ( and story)in a way that only God can. It was quite how God does everything.... At His bidding.So I am praying for all of you, especially you everyday. I feel intimidated enough just writing this not wanting you to think I am a complete loon. Check with Aaron if ya need( should get a background check:) I am praying and uplifting you now as I write this. Many blessings, Shelly Brown. P.s I will send ya a message on fb when time permits.:)
ReplyDeleteI don't comment very often but I read every one of your blog posts. I wanted to thank you for your honesty through all of this. I know there are "good Christian" answers but you're being true and sharing your real struggles - God finds so much more glory in the broken. I have learned a great deal from you through all this. You, Cole, Matthew and Claire are on my heart so often. Matthew will always be a part of you and, through your sharing him here, I will never forget him either. You have given me a taste of what it would be like to experience the greatest loss I can imagine - and I want to thank you for that, Julia, however strange that may be. God is carrying you.
ReplyDeleteLove you all,
Hannah
Dear Julia, I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and although we haven't gotten together much, I will be keeping you in my prayers and am very thankful for your blog entries so I know how to pray specifically for you. I am praying for you and grieving with you. - Sending my love, Ashley
ReplyDelete"Why must I go about in sorrow..? Send me Your light and Your truth; let them lead me. Then I will come to the alter of GOD, to GOD, my greatest joy. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."
Psalm 43:2-5