Mother's Day reflections

This time last year, Matthew was still with us. I remember sending Claire to church with Dana and then going to the hospital to spend the morning with Matthew. It was the best Mother's Day gift ever. I just sat there and told him all the reasons I was thankful to be his mother. I even got to hold him that day and his nurses made me a card with his footprints on it. It's hard this year with him being gone. As I walk through "his days" - the days between April 28 and June 18 - he is constantly on my mind. I find myself trying to remember what was going on then and going back and reading my posts to remember. In some ways I'm so thankful to have this year of grieving behind me, but it also feels like his memory is fading with the grief. I wish I could hold on tightly to the way he smelled and felt and sounded, but unfortunately that's just something that I can't stop from fading. I find myself crying a lot more lately. I wonder if that's because I'm in the middle of "Matthew's days" and really missing him or if it's just my hormones spiking in preparation for Clay's birth :) Either way, it's been a little exhausting.

Speaking of Clay, I feel like I'm just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting. I'm so ready to have him with us! I long to have a baby in my arms again. I'm really hoping that Clay will bring a lot of healing to my heart. I know he's not a replacement for Matthew and I certainly would never put that expectation on him, but I think he will help give me a renewed purpose and help me get past the emptiness I still feel when I see little boys Matthew's age. He will help me move past my pity parties and remind me again that life is still sweet and fresh.

At least that's what I hope. I could be a total basket case. Who knows...

Anyway, this year on Mother's Day, I'm again grateful that God has chosen to bless me with children. I'm thankful for Claire and her wonderful personality, for the light she was in my life during this dark year. I'm thankful that God chose to give us Matthew, no matter how short the time was. And I'm excited to meet Clay! Today is my due date, so hopefully he'll show his face soon :)