Grief and Hope?

There are days when life seems really good, the future really bright. I can get excited about little things and just enjoy the moments I have with Claire and Cole. I can actually feel perfectly content and at peace.

Then there are days when I long to hold my baby boy so badly that the tears don't stop. On those days I don't think my heart will ever heal and I don't think that my life will ever be full again. Those days come more often than I would like and they leave me exhausted and broken.

It is so hard to face this loss, to feel its full weight and have to trudge through it. It's hard to praise God when I feel so cheated and empty. But I have to. I have to embrace the grief while keeping God's truth close to my heart. I have to believe that His promise of Eternity is enough, even when I don't feel that it is. And I have to realize that I will never be fully healed on this side of Heaven, and that's ok. Part of my heart is no longer there because I gave it to Matthew and he took it with him when he died. I will always carry this scar, but how I carry it depends on how I let God use it. I can be bitter (which I am many days) or I can embrace my grief and praise God through it.

I ask for prayer as I struggle with balancing grief with hope. I want to "rejoice in all circumstances" but it's harder than I thought it would be.

Homecoming

This past weekend, I went back up the mountain to Covenant for homecoming. I went alone (no husband or baby girl) and stayed with my dear friend and old roommate, Carolann. As we drove around Chattanooga and Lookout Mountain and reminisced about the "good old days," I almost felt like they'd never happened. I feel so different, so changed, so much older. I think even if Matthew hadn't died I would still feel that way, but especially in light of his life and death, I feel like a very different person. Part of me wishes I could go back to being a carefree college student, but part of me appreciates the path God has laid out for me. I am so thankful for Cole, Claire, and Matthew and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Of course, a lot of people had heard about Matthew, so I had many good talks with my friends and got share in the joys and sorrows that each of us has gone through. I'm certainly not the only who's been through a major life change since college and it was good to hear what my friends had to say about life and faith.

I wish I had pictures, but once Carolann posts hers on Facebook, I'll share some here :)

Some fun...

This weekend all of us went to Asheville to visit my parents and two of my brothers. It was a good respite for me and gave me some much needed perspective. I tend to get too wrapped up in myself and then it seems that the walls of our house start closing in on me and my grief sometimes, so going away and being busy was wonderful. I also received some great encouragement from friends back at my old home church.

Cole and I also put together a wedding video of ourselves. As many of you know, Cole films weddings on the side (he's amazing!) and I've always been jealous that we didn't have a film for ourselves (our pictures were horrible and we have basically no video). We've wanted to do this for months, but had to wait until I could fit into the dress again :). We spent Saturday running around Asheville in the freezing cold (ok, so it was only 50 degrees, but it was windy!) with my brother James filming for us. It was hard for me to get in the mood at first because of how much Matthew has been on my mind lately, but I'm glad we did it!

It's three and a half years and two babies later, but we hope you enjoy :)

5 months

Today Matthew would have been five months old. It's hard... I wish I knew what he would've looked like and could see all the cute things he would be doing. It's hard to watch time keep going on and leaving him behind. He will always be stuck at two months old in our memory, even when we're old and gray, and that makes me ache inside. I miss my baby.

Thanks for sticking with me...

I try to blog only when I have something worth saying or when there's something that just needs to get out. These days, the only thing really on my mind is how much I miss Matthew, which after reading for a while, can tend to make you very sad and heavy feeling. That's why I want to thank those of you out there who still read what I have to say. Eventually, I will be able to move on to the happier things in life, but for now I'm stuck in my own little world of pain and that's all I feel like writing about. Every now and then when I take a break and write a post on Claire or something fun we've done, it feels out of place and too happy. Because, if I'm being honest, this pain is still too raw and recent for me to gloss over with happy things. I promise that I will eventually come out of the gloom, but until then, thank you for loving me through this.

3 months

Today is three months since Matthew died and I've really struggled emotionally all day. Church was hard; I basically ran in and dropped Claire off at the nursery and then went straight to my seat and sat down without talking to anyone. When it was the greeting time, Pastor Mike said, "Turn and greet each other with the joy you have this morning," and I turned and looked at Cole and said, "I don't have any joy. I'm going to the bathroom." Then I ran out right as the service ended and went straight home to cry and sleep.

I don't know why it's suddenly gotten so much harder. I felt like I finally had a handle on it, but all of a sudden, the loss is hitting me over and over again. I ache to hold him and I find that my memory is beginning to fade. I have cried and cried this week over those last days with him and how I wish I had known that I had so little time left. I thought we were practically on our way home and just took for granted that nothing bad would happen. I feel so stupid now. I wish I had seen every moment as precious and taken every minute to hold and kiss him.

There are so many things I would've done differently. I try so hard not to have regrets, but this week they have overwhelmed me. Every thing I wish I had done differently is coming to mind and leaving me a crying mess.

I would really appreciate your prayers this week. I so badly want to be joyful and be thankful that my baby is perfectly healed and happy in heaven, but all I can think about is how much I miss him.

Camp Willowbrook!

I recently found some pictures of Claire from her time at Camp Willowbrook this summer. Camp Willowbrook is what my parents have officially named their grandkid camp that they're going to do every summer. Claire got to go spend time with my parents in Asheville for a few days when I was in Charleston with Matthew. She came back happy and in one piece, so I guess camp was a success! Next year they're going to try to get all the cousins together for one whole week filled with fun and field trips. Are my parents brave? Yes, I think so!

A poem for my son

Matthew,

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new;
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name;
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part;
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.



*Thanks Ashley for sending me this! I love it :)

Our good?

A few days ago, one of my dear friends lost her younger sister unexpectedly, and I was reminded all over again of the suffering and hurt that we go through in this world. There is so much pain, death, disappointment, and hurt around us. It can make us wonder where God is and if He really cares about us. I know there are times late at night where I sit up in bed and demand answers from God. Mostly I just cry, but sometimes I almost yell at Him, asking Him why He didn't save Matthew and why He chose me to go through this pain. I tell Him that I don't want my life to look like this, I don't want to carry this scar for the rest of my life. I ask Him to at least show me what good is supposed to come out of this.

It's so hard to understand why Matthew died or why my friend lost her sister. I can't explain what God's doing in these situations, but I believe it when He says that He does everything for our good. I think C.S. Lewis puts it well when he says,

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; 

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." 

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." 

I know that my pain has definitely roused me from apathy and made me more aware of both His presence and other's pain. 

Whatever God's purpose is in our pain, I pray that He shows it to us and then uses it to bless the world around us. 

Oh my heart!

Tonight as I was sitting here on the computer trying to get some work done, Claire was playing behind me and just chattering up a storm! She had all her toys out and was arranging them on the floor. All of a sudden, amid the babbling, I heard:

"Ma ma, da da, ma-uh." 

Ma-uh is the way she says Matthew. She can say his name better than her own. She's learned who he is and loves to look at pictures of him and kiss them. I always tell her that he's her little brother, but that he had a sick heart and went to see Jesus. I have no clue when she'll understand what this means, but I want her to never remember a day that she didn't know she had a little brother. It breaks my heart that she'll never remember him, but I love it that she knows who he is.