Revelation 21:4-5

People ask me a lot how I'm doing. What a weird question. How am I doing? Some days I'm sad, some days I'm mad, and some days the sorrow is so deep I don't think I will ever dig my way out.

I also have lots of questions. Most of them are directed at God. I want to know why God didn't save Matthew. I want to know why other people around me are having perfectly normal babies and I'm left with empty arms. I'm wondering why God chose our family to go through this.

Many people offer suggestions that might sound helpful but really aren't. I feel like we as Christians want to make sense of loss, so we come up with explanations like, "It was for the best" and "It was his time to go." I know I've even said those things myself. But here's the truth - I have no idea.

I don't know why God didn't heal him. I know God could have, but for some reason He chose not to. I'm disappointed and even mad sometimes that He didn't.

But here's the thing. I know that God knows this whole story and how it's all going to end. And I know that He weeps with me over my loss, not because He's helpless like I am, but because He knows that I can't see the whole picture. Like He wept with Mary and Martha over the loss of their brother Lazarus, He weeps with me because He cares about me. He feels my pain and He aches over it.

He also knows that one day I will see Matthew again. And in that day, death and sorrow will be no more. In fact, He has promised that He will wipe away every tear from my eyes.

So here's how I'm doing - I'm sad and I'm confused and I miss my son deeply. But this is what I know - God is real and He is in control. I don't have the answers but I believe in the promise of eternity and I trust God when He says that He will make all things new.