Someone once told me, "You'll be both relieved and saddened by how quickly life will return to normal." I found this to be so true today. I spent the afternoon at a church get-together with old friends that know of our circumstance and new friends who don't. I was able to get so caught up in the games and conversation that I completely forgot about Matthew for a few hours.
Then it hit me. I have a dead child. I am not normal. I felt the pain all over again and suddenly wanted to retreat into myself and hide.
Then I looked up at all the people I was with and thought, "You know, to them I look so ok, so fine. If they didn't know me, then they'd never be able to guess that anything was wrong with my life." It was both nice and terrifying at the same time.
Nice because it feels so good be normal and because I just want to feel young and free again.
But terrifying because I feel like Matthew's memory is already slipping away so fast and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Julia,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post, I immediately identified with you in a very different way. For me it has been returning to a normal life after cancer. There's nothing like staring death in the face to realize just how much in life one takes for granted...I never want to take any of this for granted again. But I have to say as time goes on and I get farther and farther out from the recurrence, I tend to let the busyness of life blind me to all God showed me during that time. If I slow down and listen to Him and allow Him to flood my mind with all He taught me then, I am able to remember. I believe that you will always remember Matthew...he is a part of you. It's okay to stop and remember. We are....
Wow, Julia, you're an amazing writer. Thank you for letting me see things through your eyes and showing us how God is working in your life.
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