I've been working through my emotions lately, trying to figure out why I've been struggling so much. Not that my grieving is wrong, but because it's draining and exhausting and I just want to work through it in a healthy way. I want to be able to live as a joyful person, while still being able to miss Matthew. What I've come to realize is that I have to let go of everything. Let go of the future I thought we had with Matthew. Let go of the fact that I'll never hear him laugh or see him walk. Let go of that little heart tug that happens when I see other moms with their healthy babies. Let go of what I thought I deserved or what I thought God owed me.
Instead, I need to be thankful for what I got. I got seven weeks and two days with Matthew. That's more that some people get. I got to spend every day with him and see his first smiles. I've gotten to experience a closeness to God that I've never had before. My eyes have been opened to the suffering of other's around me in a way they couldn't have been before. And I still have Cole and Claire :) and they are my biggest blessings.
Of course I will always wish Matthew was here. I will always ache for my little boy. But I need to move forward and not get stuck in the past. This is what I'm trying to do.
You are so brave, wise, and strong. I pray that the Lord restores your daily joy.
ReplyDeleteThe steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies they never come to an end, they are new every morning...Lam 2
ReplyDeleteLove and mercy never ceasing, always new for each day. Love you Julia, Mom
Julia,
ReplyDeleteI am still in Haiti, and will email when I get home.
Thank you for always openly and honestly sharing your feelings. You bless more people than you will ever know, including me!
"and I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you wil bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ"
You are continually on my heart and in my prayers.
Love,
Carol a.
It's been so nice to see you look like you are enjoying things in your pictures and at church recently. Moving forward does not leave Matthew behind. It just brings you that much closer to when you will see him again. He will always be in your heart!
ReplyDeleteWishing you, Cole and Claire a most wonderful Thanksgiving!
Vickie Kline
"for who is our hope, our joy, our crown of exultation at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ? It is not even you? For you are our glory and our joy!! (! Thess. 2:19,20) This is another thing that you've "got"...the promise of seeing Matthew again when our Lord returns. I can't imagine your pain; keep leaning heavily on the strong arms of Jesus. COntinuing to pray, Susan
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