Well now that you know...

... I can finally blog about it! I've been bursting to share my thoughts and feelings from this pregnancy. It's been hard not having anyone to talk to except Cole. I've know since September 12th, though we had been trying so I suspected it way before then. I know some of you have probably been worried about me because of the depressing tone of my blog posts in September and October. Well, now I can explain why.

I knew that being pregnant so close to Matthew's death would be hard and that I would probably be emotionally whacky because of my raging hormones, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. I was very surprised by the intensity of emotion that overwhelmed me. I was sad all the time. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was irritable, emotional, and worn out. I wasn't able to rejoice over this new baby because I was constantly focused on how much I missed Matthew. I guess I felt that this new baby meant that life was really moving on, leaving Matthew behind.

Which leads me to explain something else you're probably wondering. Why did she wait so long to tell us? Well, there are lots of reasons, but it mainly comes down to one big one: I just wasn't ready to move on. I know it's stupid, but I felt like once I told everyone, they would forget about Matthew and forget to ask me about how I'm doing and move on to the easier thing to talk about - the new baby. I was so afraid people would think, Oh she got pregnant quick... She must be ok... I bet this new baby helps ease the pain, etc. I got pregnant again so soon because we realized that if we wanted another baby before seminary, I needed to have it in the early summer. We also didn't want there to be a big gap between Claire and the next baby. And honestly, this pregnancy has made Matthew's death harder emotionally. The joy of this new life collides with the pain of missing Matthew and, if I'm being honest, the pain sometimes overshadows the joy. So that's why we've kept it secret. I wanted to wait until I could work through my raging hormones and get past my fear of moving on with life.

So now I have a request for you :). I want to thank you for loving us and praying for us and sharing in our joy and sorrow, but I especially want to ask that you keep remembering Matthew with us. Please ask about how we're doing. Don't be afraid to talk about him - most of the time I'm dying to talk about him. Realize that while we are so excited for this new baby, we are still aching over Matthew. I am so thankful for the friends yesterday at church who realized this and let me talk about it. It was much appreciated :)

P.S. We find out on December 15th whether it's a boy or girl. I'm kinda nervous about it. Sometimes I want it to be a boy, but then I'm afraid that I'll just project Matthew on to him, so then I think it'll be easier if it's a girl....... so yeah. I'm grateful that God has already decided what's best for us regarding the sex of this baby and that I don't have to make that decision.