Memories

Last night I finished Matthew's scrapbook album. It's a project I've been excited to do, but put off for months because I just wasn't ready to dive in. The first night as I pulled everything out, I just wept. It all fit on my kitchen table. All the pictures, keepsakes, cards, and paraphernalia were stretched out in front of me on my tiny kitchen table and I think the brevity of his life hit me really hard in that moment. Seeing his cute little face staring at me in every picture was almost torture because I just wanted to reach through the pictures and hold him one more time. Instead, I just kissed the pictures like a crazy person :) Then I dove in and started working. Once I actually got absorbed in the project, I was able to distance myself from the memories a little and it was really enjoyable.

Then last night I got to the last page, the one where I wanted to put his obituary and his hand and foot prints, and I started crying again. I love that I have his prints, but the memory associated with them is awful because they were taken after he died. So I cried and relived the memories and just let myself feel the weight of my sorrow for a few minutes. Then I wiped away the tears, blew my nose, and finished the album. And this morning when Claire woke up, we looked through it together and I talked to her about her brother Matthew. It was wonderful.