It still hurts. It's been 9 months, but I still cry. I don't post as much about Matthew these days because I want to highlight the good things in our lives, not just the downers, but I do want to be real. I feel like we're starting to hit that awkward period when most everyone else starts to forget a little bit, or at least they seem to forget because they don't ask us about it anymore. I'm totally guilty of this myself. In the past I probably subconsciously thought that after a few months people are supposed to start moving on, or at least be more ok with the pain in their lives and not need to cry about it every day. But being on the other side of it now, I realize the pain is sometimes just as raw after nine months as it was after nine days. I still cry myself to sleep at least once a week. I still see Matthew in every baby I pass. And I still have the urge to tell everyone about him. When people see my preggo belly and say, "Oh, this must be your second?" I always correct them and say, "No, actually, it's my third. We had a little boy that died." I realize that it's completely awkward to tell complete strangers this, but it's just my way of honoring his life.
I guess I wanted to say all this because I don't want Matthew to get lost in the midst of the excitement of this new baby. I don't want to act like Clay's birth somehow makes up for Matthew's death. It doesn't. It makes it bittersweet. Bitter because Clay will never know Matthew and because they could've been such good buddies. Sweet because God has blessed us with a second son and reminded us that He is faithful.
We are healing. I am healing. But we will never be the same again. At those moments when we experience the most joy, we will always experience the sorrow alongside it. I wish it wasn't so, but I'm grateful for a God that can both handle my sorrow and give me joy.
Julia, this made me cry. I am so sorry for your pain. I still pray for you guys every day, and you are often on my mind. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteMadeline
Hey friend, glad you continue to write about your feelings about Matthew. It's good to let everyone know how you are feeling. I still love looking at his sweet pics on your blog. Lots of love to you!
ReplyDeleteStill pray for and think of you often, sweet friend. I will continue to pray for you as the Lord reminds me for years to come. I can imagine that the pain will still at times be raw nine years later and I pray that He will give you grace then, too. Know that I love to hear about your beloved Matthew and I cherish his precious life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart with us through your pain and joy. You are an encouragement. I cannot imagine how hard this is and I pray for you all often. I'm thankful that you allowed us to meet sweet Matthew. He was such a beautiful and precious little guy.
ReplyDeleteI know you still don't know me, lol. I am the one who found out about your family while you were pregnant w Matthew as I stumbled upon your blog as I was reading Katie Bloemsma. Grew up w Aaron as our folks attended RTS in Jackson, Ms. I am a mother of four and am old,lol 32. I was due in July of 11. I had my fourth baby, but first girl. My husband and I both wept upon reading all of your entries. On the days I struggle the most w feeling overwhelmed w all that comes w raising up my young ones, God brings you and Cole and Claire to mind. Some nights when I am lying in bed and God brings u up I pray for you, maybe those are some of the nights you are crying yourself to sleep... I don't know. Do know that I pray for you and will never forget Matthew and all that his young life taught and reminded me of. I also know that probably sounds selfish as it was not my child that died. I am so sorry Matthew did. Blessings, Julia .... Shelly Brown
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words. (I went to Covenant with Rochelle). I appreciate so much that you DO tell people about Matthew when they ask "Oh, is this your 2nd?" I completely agree that it honors his life and even the pain you are going through. Praying that the Lord will protect you and Clay over the next few weeks, during birth, and after. Thank you again so much for opening yourself on this blog.
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