Happy Birthday Matthew

Today Matthew would've been one year old.

One year old!

I can't even imagine what that would be like. It seems like so long since he was with us. I still miss him everyday and with the arrival of Clay fast approaching, he's on my mind even more more. I find myself wondering what he would look like, if he would be walking, talking, etc.

I vividly remember this day last year. I was so nervous as we went to the hospital, but at the same time I felt peace that God was directing every detail. I had so much hope then. I thought that once he was born, doctors would be able to perform the needed surgeries and he would live. Of course, once he was born and we understood the magnitude of his problems, I wrestled every day to keep that hope. There were so many days that Cole and I thought we were going to lose him, but I think that I always held on to the hope that God would let him be my "miracle baby." I never really thought that he would die, probably because I didn't think that I could survive losing him.

Now here we are, a year later... a year that's been the hardest of my life. I am so thankful for how God has walked with me through this year, helping me to move through the sorrow, anger, depression, disappointment, jealousy, and self-pity. I know I've got a long way to go, but seeing God's faithfulness has forever changed my view of life and of Him.

So today, on Matthew's birthday, we are crying, yes, but we are also rejoicing over his precious life and are so thankful that God gave us him to us for 7 weeks and 2 days. Mostly, we are longing for the day when we can see him again.

Happy birthday baby boy!