Ramblings...

Well I'm back after not having much to say this past month. August wasn't really busy, I think I was just tired. Blame it on the newborn :)

For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.

I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.

On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.

Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.

So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.

Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!