36 weeks

And I feel like a walrus. You can't tell from this picture, but I feel like sometimes I might actually explode :) Here's hoping I can make it 4 more weeks!!! Come on Clay!

Oh, and Happy Easter from all of us! We finally got our family pic :)

Plans

On Tuesday, Cole and I took time away from the distractions of life to go spend time together with the Lord and seek His direction for our future. After visiting Covenant Seminary last month, we are confident that this is where God is leading us, but we have been wrestling with when to go. We really wanted to make sure that we were following the Lord’s leading and not just making a selfish decision. So we drove up to my grandparent’s house at Lake Murray and spent a few hours singing songs, studying the Bible, and praying together. We made a list of pros for going now and for waiting another year and then discussed what was really important to us. Our theme verse for the day was Psalm 37:4, which says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Our aim was to make sure that we were seeking the Lord’s leading and delighting ourselves in Him as we made our decision. There were good reasons for both, but Cole felt a stronger desire to stay another year and enjoy ministering at New Covenant. He wrestled with whether this desire was from God or a selfish one and really prayed and thought through it. As the day came to a close, that desire had not diminished. We felt like this was God’s leading, so we made the decision to wait until fall of 2013 to go to Covenant Seminary. We feel peace about it and are excited about our future! Just wanted to give y'all an update!

Happy Easter!

Claire and I spent Easter weekend in Asheville with my family. Cole had a wedding to film on Saturday and was busy with Easter services all day Sunday, so he couldn't be with us, but all the rest of my family was together. It's rare that we're all in the same place at once, so we took full advantage of the time together and the nice weather! 

Caroline, Claire, and Bruton enjoying the "slack line" with their uncles

The family picture... as good as it gets with three little ones :)

Cute cousins!

Beach!

This past week and weekend, Claire and I spent some time at Pawley's Island with my parents, just chill'axin on the beach. Claire loved the sand! And she even got in the water with my dad (mom and I weren't so brave)! We didn't do much, so I'll just let the pics speak for themselves.

 

Memories

Last night I finished Matthew's scrapbook album. It's a project I've been excited to do, but put off for months because I just wasn't ready to dive in. The first night as I pulled everything out, I just wept. It all fit on my kitchen table. All the pictures, keepsakes, cards, and paraphernalia were stretched out in front of me on my tiny kitchen table and I think the brevity of his life hit me really hard in that moment. Seeing his cute little face staring at me in every picture was almost torture because I just wanted to reach through the pictures and hold him one more time. Instead, I just kissed the pictures like a crazy person :) Then I dove in and started working. Once I actually got absorbed in the project, I was able to distance myself from the memories a little and it was really enjoyable.

Then last night I got to the last page, the one where I wanted to put his obituary and his hand and foot prints, and I started crying again. I love that I have his prints, but the memory associated with them is awful because they were taken after he died. So I cried and relived the memories and just let myself feel the weight of my sorrow for a few minutes. Then I wiped away the tears, blew my nose, and finished the album. And this morning when Claire woke up, we looked through it together and I talked to her about her brother Matthew. It was wonderful.

Claire's 1st Easter Egg Hunt

This afternoon my MOPS group did an Easter egg hunt for all of our kiddos. We probably hid over 500 eggs! Claire wasn't real sure what was going on, but hey, all the other kids were grabbing eggs, so she joined in! She was probably the only one who didn't get to enjoy the fruit of her labor though... we still aren't letting her have sweets :( When the hunt was over and all the other kids started diving into their candy, I quickly distracted her with a blueberry muffin :) so she was none the wiser!

"Oooo, what's this?"

"Hey, there's something inside this thing..."

"What's under this yellow paper labeled 'Laffy Taffy'?" 

Nine months later...

It still hurts. It's been 9 months, but I still cry. I don't post as much about Matthew these days because I want to highlight the good things in our lives, not just the downers, but I do want to be real. I feel like we're starting to hit that awkward period when most everyone else starts to forget a little bit, or at least they seem to forget because they don't ask us about it anymore. I'm totally guilty of this myself. In the past I probably subconsciously thought that after a few months people are supposed to start moving on, or at least be more ok with the pain in their lives and not need to cry about it every day. But being on the other side of it now, I realize the pain is sometimes just as raw after nine months as it was after nine days. I still cry myself to sleep at least once a week. I still see Matthew in every baby I pass. And I still have the urge to tell everyone about him. When people see my preggo belly and say, "Oh, this must be your second?" I always correct them and say, "No, actually, it's my third. We had a little boy that died." I realize that it's completely awkward to tell complete strangers this, but it's just my way of honoring his life.

I guess I wanted to say all this because I don't want Matthew to get lost in the midst of the excitement of this new baby. I don't want to act like Clay's birth somehow makes up for Matthew's death. It doesn't. It makes it bittersweet. Bitter because Clay will never know Matthew and because they could've been such good buddies. Sweet because God has blessed us with a second son and reminded us that He is faithful.

We are healing. I am healing. But we will never be the same again. At those moments when we experience the most joy, we will always experience the sorrow alongside it. I wish it wasn't so, but I'm grateful for a God that can both handle my sorrow and give me joy.

St. Louis

Last week Cole and I visited Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis. This is the seminary Cole's wanted to go to since college, but life got in the way and we've taken longer to get there than we thought. We were all set to go there last fall, but when we found out about Matthew's condition, we put it off because of not knowing what life would look like once he was born. Ever since then we've wrestled with whether we actually want to go there or somewhere closer. The love and support we have in the south is amazing, plus Cole has his videography business firmly established in this region.

But after the visit and asking lots of advice from others, we think going there is the best decision. It's a beautiful campus, with on-campus housing (think college, only with kids!), and the school is really well respected in PCA circles. We both liked St. Louis (though it's seems HUGE compared to Aiken) and we got a good feel for it while exploring in our rental car. We've already got a number of friends from college there and all-in-all it just feels like God is leading us there. So unless a door gets closed, it look like we're headed for St. Louis in the fall! We'd appreciate your prayers as we anticipate the move. I'm sure it's going to be hard to leave our family, friends, and the south! 

The campus!

The arch :)

30 weeks

I realize that I've done a terrible job of keeping up with my pregnancy progress. I have one friend who faithfully post pics and updates on her pregnancy and they are so fun to read! So here's an update.

I was 30 weeks on Sunday. Everything looks good for Clay and I'm also having a pretty good pregnancy. I had morning sickness up until about a month ago. Thankfully I'm finally over it. But reflux and heartburn have taken its place, so I'm not sure if that's really an improvement.

I'm gaining weight slowly (woohoo) but typically I've gained the most in the last month or two, so I guess I'm saving it up for then :)

I've finally found a way to sleep comfortably, which is WONDERFUL! The hardest part of pregnancy for me is always the sleep deprivation. With Claire and Matthew, I didn't sleep much during the last trimester, which was miserable.

I ran up until the six month mark and now I'm just walking/biking/doing easy Crossfit. I really got out of shape when I was pregnant with Claire and my recovery was much slower. I stayed in shape with Matthew and felt like I bounced back wayyyyyy faster. I think I was running again a month after I had him, whereas with Claire it took more like two or three months. So obviously I want to recover quickly again.

Claire still doesn't seem to quite grasp that there's a baby in my belly. I also think she's getting Clay and Matthew really confused. I've been buying clothes for Clay and telling her they're for him, but later she'll point to them and say, "Matthew?" I always tell her, "No it's for this baby (pointing to my belly) not for Matthew. Matthew's with Jesus and he doesn't need clothes anymore." But I'm sure she's still confused. Hopefully once she sees Clay, she'll be able to distinguish between them.

Here are some pics of the belly :)

And his name shall be called...

Clay Marshall Nickell. Ta da! 

It's been a long time coming, but name-deciding is not our strong point. Cole and I are both very opinionated (imagine that!) so it takes awhile to arrive at names that we both think are even ok, much less perfect. Cole is the one that found the name Clay and while I think it's a little matchy-matchy paired with Claire, I really do love the name itself. We're both fans of short names that can't be made into nicknames easily. I realize that if Matthew had lived to be a middle schooler, his name would've morphed into Matt most likely, but I would've tried my best to keep it the whole Matthew. 

Anyway, Clay it is. And Marshall is my maiden name, so that's how we came up with the whole thing. 

And if you're curious as to what Clay means, here's the definition that Cole found: "Clay - a sexy beast who is amazing at everything he does. So eat it!" 

Ha ha. Now you know why Cole loved the name so much :)