Last night it happened for the first time. I tried to picture Matthew in my head, but all my brain could come up with was images of Clay. I tried harder but still, I could only come up with the pictures and videos that I've looked through a hundred times, no actual undocumented memories. You know how that is, as time passes we all need visual stimulants to help boost our memories. I just didn't think it would happen this fast. I tried so hard while he was alive to stamp every moment into my heart and mind, but even so, they're already fading. It breaks my heart. I don't want to forget a single moment of my little boy's life. I want to be able to close my eyes and remember what he sounded like, smelled like, and what it felt like to hold him because that's all I have.
I hate that it's already a struggle to remember.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
4 months!
Clay had his 4 month check-up today and it looks like he's doing great!
- Weight: 14 lbs 2 oz
- Height: 25 1/2 inches long
- Sleeps: 10 hours at night (10pm - 8am!) & takes four 2-hour naps during the day
- Eats: 5 times a day
- Personality: Sweet as can be! And flirty :)
- Still has all his crazy, dark hair. I think this kid will need a haircut by the time he's 6 months!
- Loves his sister and is very entertained by her. Every morning when Claire wakes up, she runs straight to Clay to say hi and gush, "Ooo, he's so cute. Ooo, I love him!" She then wraps him in a bear hug until I pry her off so that he can breath again.
- Rolls everywhere now. Front to back, back to front and he's even trying to crawl. Cole noticed him doing an army crawl thing yesterday morning.
- Love this little guy! He is such a blessing!
- Weight: 14 lbs 2 oz
- Height: 25 1/2 inches long
- Sleeps: 10 hours at night (10pm - 8am!) & takes four 2-hour naps during the day
- Eats: 5 times a day
- Personality: Sweet as can be! And flirty :)
- Still has all his crazy, dark hair. I think this kid will need a haircut by the time he's 6 months!
- Loves his sister and is very entertained by her. Every morning when Claire wakes up, she runs straight to Clay to say hi and gush, "Ooo, he's so cute. Ooo, I love him!" She then wraps him in a bear hug until I pry her off so that he can breath again.
- Rolls everywhere now. Front to back, back to front and he's even trying to crawl. Cole noticed him doing an army crawl thing yesterday morning.
- Love this little guy! He is such a blessing!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Ramblings...
Well I'm back after not having much to say this past month. August wasn't really busy, I think I was just tired. Blame it on the newborn :)
For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.
I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.
On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.
Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.
So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.
Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!
For those of you wondering why I still have a picture of just Claire and Matthew up, I've tried to change my blog picture several times to include Clay in it, but apparently I've run out of storage space and will have to pay to upload any more pics. Don't really understand that since I was able to upload that pic of my new hair cut without any problem. I'll just let my technologically savvy husband figure that out for me.
I've also been really busy enjoying Clay. He's getting easier and easier the older he gets. Claire was like this too. Once I figured her out and got her out of the newborn limbo, she's been pretty easy and predictable since. Makes me wonder what Matthew would've been like. I never really got to know what kind of a baby he was since I wasn't able to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. He seemed sweet and laid back, but I don't know how much of that was drugs.
On that note, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Matthew recently. It's mostly Clay's fault, but in a good way :). When I'm having precious, quiet moments with just Clay, I often find my mind wandering to Matthew. Remember how I was a little apprehensive of what it would be like for me emotionally once Clay was born? Well, besides a brief period of acutely missing Matthew, for the most part Clay has been like a balm to my aching heart. It's hard to explain without sounding like he's "replacing" Matthew, but the best way I can describe it is that he's the light at the end of the tunnel. He's a reminder that God heals. He helps me see that life is still fresh. When he giggles and smiles at me, I feel perfectly content. I remember blogging last year that "I feel like I will never again be perfectly content." I thought that the emptiness would never go away.
Now, rather than feeling empty when I think about Matthew, I feel more of a deep longing and I think it's a good thing. I think that it keeps my mind on eternity and gives me perspective. It also makes me appreciate Clay's smiles more :). I still get a lump in my throat when I think about what Matthew would be like today. We have close friends who's little boy was born a week and a half after after Matthew and sometimes when I see him toddling around, I have to take a deep breath and force my mind not to "go there" - that place of self pity and wallowing in my grief. But most of the time it's not that hard. I just hug Clay and Claire a little closer and thank God that He's still good.
So back to Clay. His personality is just comin' out! I think he's going to be a charmer :). He has this smile that starts in a smirky grin and works its way up to an open-mouth laugh! When I put in front of the mirror, it's almost like he's flirting with himself. He acts all shy and put his head on my shoulder, then looks at himself and smiles, then hides his face on my shoulder again. It's so cute. I need to get some pictures of it to share.
Anyway, that's life right now. Hopefully I'll have more to share soon!
Friday, August 31, 2012
New Haircut
Rather than chopping off my hair like I usually do when I want a change, I added bangs. And I unpermed my hair. Well, my hairstylist did. The perm is gone! Woo hoo!
Monday, August 20, 2012
3 months of Clay!
Out little guy is three months old today as sweet as ever.
- I have no idea what he weighs or how long he is, but he sure is a fat, healthy baby!
- I switched him to the 3 1/2 hour schedule today, so that means he is awake for an hour and a half, sleeps for two hours, and repeats. He's been "sleeping" through the night for a month now, but he makes so much noise that I'm not sleeping through the night, so I think I'll be moving him to Claire's room soon.
- He just found his voice the other day and loves to yell at his toys now :)
- Like his sister at this age, he loves to stand and is constantly crunching his abs in an effort to sit up. Just call him "crossfit baby!"
- Other than that, he's still sweet, happy, and wonderful! I still feel a little stuck at home, but that will pass.
- I have no idea what he weighs or how long he is, but he sure is a fat, healthy baby!
- I switched him to the 3 1/2 hour schedule today, so that means he is awake for an hour and a half, sleeps for two hours, and repeats. He's been "sleeping" through the night for a month now, but he makes so much noise that I'm not sleeping through the night, so I think I'll be moving him to Claire's room soon.
- He just found his voice the other day and loves to yell at his toys now :)
- Like his sister at this age, he loves to stand and is constantly crunching his abs in an effort to sit up. Just call him "crossfit baby!"
- Other than that, he's still sweet, happy, and wonderful! I still feel a little stuck at home, but that will pass.
(These pics are a little dark, but I grabbed the only camera that was nearby and didn't have much time to fiddle with the settings. Gotta catch the smiles while they last! )
Sunday, August 12, 2012
We're back... finally!
Hello hello! We've been on vacation for the past two weeks and even though I had my iPad, I just didn't feel like blogging. I was too busy sleeping in, taking longs walks on the beach, reading good books...
Oh wait, I didn't do any of those things! I have kids now... which means vacation is no longer the relaxing thing it once was. *sigh*
But I did have a great time seeing family and enjoying all the activity surrounding me, including the Olympics! For the first week we were with my whole family at North Litchfield Beach. And when I say my whole family, I mean my WHOLE, ENTIRE, HUGE family! We had a reunion with my dad's side, which includes him and his four brothers and four step-sisters, twenty-four of us cousins (and our spouses), and six of our own kids. I think there were 48 of us total :) We all hung out on the beach every day and then gathered for dessert at a different house every night. It was great seeing everyone!
The second week were we with Cole's family at Isle of Palms Beach. This week was quieter, with just his immediate family, his aunt and uncle, two cousins, and grandmother. But the big thing about this week was his brother's engagement! Chad decided to follow in Cole's footsteps and pop the question on the beach. Donna was so surprised and said YES!, of course :) We also had fun playing games, going into Charleston, and filming Chad & Donna's engagement video (well, mostly Cole did that part, but we all helped)!
So now we're home again! I'm tuckered out from all the activity and glad to be back. Claire got pretty whiny by the end of the second week, so I'm hoping that she adjusts well to life at home again. Clay was a champ and was great for both weeks, though I'm still not getting much sleep at night. (We're gonna work on that this week!)
I'll leave you with a sampling of the pics we took:
Oh wait, I didn't do any of those things! I have kids now... which means vacation is no longer the relaxing thing it once was. *sigh*
But I did have a great time seeing family and enjoying all the activity surrounding me, including the Olympics! For the first week we were with my whole family at North Litchfield Beach. And when I say my whole family, I mean my WHOLE, ENTIRE, HUGE family! We had a reunion with my dad's side, which includes him and his four brothers and four step-sisters, twenty-four of us cousins (and our spouses), and six of our own kids. I think there were 48 of us total :) We all hung out on the beach every day and then gathered for dessert at a different house every night. It was great seeing everyone!
The second week were we with Cole's family at Isle of Palms Beach. This week was quieter, with just his immediate family, his aunt and uncle, two cousins, and grandmother. But the big thing about this week was his brother's engagement! Chad decided to follow in Cole's footsteps and pop the question on the beach. Donna was so surprised and said YES!, of course :) We also had fun playing games, going into Charleston, and filming Chad & Donna's engagement video (well, mostly Cole did that part, but we all helped)!
So now we're home again! I'm tuckered out from all the activity and glad to be back. Claire got pretty whiny by the end of the second week, so I'm hoping that she adjusts well to life at home again. Clay was a champ and was great for both weeks, though I'm still not getting much sleep at night. (We're gonna work on that this week!)
I'll leave you with a sampling of the pics we took:
My dad reading to Bru and Claire.
My fam - James, mom, Caroline, dad, Clay, me, Claire, Cole, Rochelle, Margaret, Bruton, Cal, & Sam.
Sweet (and sometimes feisty) cousins - Claire, Clay, Caroline, Margaret, and Bruton.
Sam, Cole, and James buried alive!
Even Claire got buried!
Cole's family and the Texas cousins!
Donna and Chad - she said YES!
Nickell gang - Claire, Cole, me, Clay, Chad, Donna, Dana, Granny, Nick, Ryan, & Julia.
Our little family :)
My man!
Monday, July 23, 2012
2 months
Clay hit the 2 month mark last Friday, so I thought I'd list his stats:
Weight: 13 lbs. 2 oz. and he is CHUNKY! 90th percentile for weight. Love it :)
Height: 23 1/2 inches long.
Eats: Confession time - I just quit nursing and put him on 'the bottle'! I know, I know... I'm a terrible, selfish mother. I had a full supply, he was nursing ok - I am just tired! Three babies in three years is too much. Nursing was stressing me out and I am simply tired of my body not being my own for the last three years. I waited until he got to the 2 month mark and had filled out and then I threw in the towel. Feel free to start judging though. (But does it help that it's organic formula???) :)
Sleeps: He is scheduled! Woo hoo! He eats, plays for an hour, and then sleeps for 2 hours, all day long. Every once in a while he throws me a curve ball and does something funky with nap time, but for the most part, he's like clockwork. Twice he's made it through the night (with lots of help from the paci) but it's too early to tell that will become a habit or not. For the most part, he goes to bed around 8, wakes up once around 3 am to eat, then sleeps till 7 or 7:30. Not too bad.
Personality: So sweet! I didn't think it was possible to have another easy-going child like Claire, (I've heard about 2nd and 3rd children being stubborn little devils) but so far he seems to go with the flow and not be much of a crier. Yay Clay!
Weight: 13 lbs. 2 oz. and he is CHUNKY! 90th percentile for weight. Love it :)
Height: 23 1/2 inches long.
Eats: Confession time - I just quit nursing and put him on 'the bottle'! I know, I know... I'm a terrible, selfish mother. I had a full supply, he was nursing ok - I am just tired! Three babies in three years is too much. Nursing was stressing me out and I am simply tired of my body not being my own for the last three years. I waited until he got to the 2 month mark and had filled out and then I threw in the towel. Feel free to start judging though. (But does it help that it's organic formula???) :)
Sleeps: He is scheduled! Woo hoo! He eats, plays for an hour, and then sleeps for 2 hours, all day long. Every once in a while he throws me a curve ball and does something funky with nap time, but for the most part, he's like clockwork. Twice he's made it through the night (with lots of help from the paci) but it's too early to tell that will become a habit or not. For the most part, he goes to bed around 8, wakes up once around 3 am to eat, then sleeps till 7 or 7:30. Not too bad.
Personality: So sweet! I didn't think it was possible to have another easy-going child like Claire, (I've heard about 2nd and 3rd children being stubborn little devils) but so far he seems to go with the flow and not be much of a crier. Yay Clay!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Getting things done!
Cole has been gone all this week and will be gone most of the next week and then the entire week after that. Which means it's kind of lonely around here and I'm starting to go crazy with the two kids!
So instead of going crazy and having my husband come home to a basket-case of a wife, I decided to make a nice long to-do list to keep myself busy and sane (I'm a neat-freak, so checking things off a to-do list gives me more satisfaction than should be normal).
Here's my list for this week:
- Buy a new vacuum and then clean, dust, mop the entire house
- Organize all the paper floating around our house into neat files
- Wash and put up all maternity clothes (woo hoo!)
- Clean bathrooms and organize the stuff hanging out on the counter tops (I bought some wall shelves at Target to help with this.)
- Paint an old shelf white and then use it to organize all of Cole's stuff in our room
- Get together items for Goodwill and drop them off
- Put away all the videography gear that's all over the living room and bedroom
Check, check, and check! I've pretty much gotten it all done except for actually dropping the stuff off at Goodwill.
So here's the list to keep me busy the next two weeks:
- Upload 2011 pics to Shutterfly, order them, put them in photos albums
- Clean out and organize our storage space then...
- THROW JUNK AWAY!
- Plan my beach menus
- Work on my base tan
- And lastly... clean the house again before we leave for the beach
Ahhhhhhh... being organized and getting things done. It's good for the soul :)
So instead of going crazy and having my husband come home to a basket-case of a wife, I decided to make a nice long to-do list to keep myself busy and sane (I'm a neat-freak, so checking things off a to-do list gives me more satisfaction than should be normal).
Here's my list for this week:
- Buy a new vacuum and then clean, dust, mop the entire house
- Organize all the paper floating around our house into neat files
- Wash and put up all maternity clothes (woo hoo!)
- Clean bathrooms and organize the stuff hanging out on the counter tops (I bought some wall shelves at Target to help with this.)
- Paint an old shelf white and then use it to organize all of Cole's stuff in our room
- Get together items for Goodwill and drop them off
- Put away all the videography gear that's all over the living room and bedroom
Check, check, and check! I've pretty much gotten it all done except for actually dropping the stuff off at Goodwill.
So here's the list to keep me busy the next two weeks:
- Upload 2011 pics to Shutterfly, order them, put them in photos albums
- Clean out and organize our storage space then...
- THROW JUNK AWAY!
- Plan my beach menus
- Work on my base tan
- And lastly... clean the house again before we leave for the beach
Ahhhhhhh... being organized and getting things done. It's good for the soul :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
7 weeks and 2 days
Today Clay is 7 weeks and 2 days old, the same age Matthew was when he died.
Very weird.
Very hard.
I really don't know how I lived through that. When I look at my little Clay and try to imagine saying goodbye, I start to cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Matthew, I cry knowing that my boys will never meet in this life.
Seven weeks is so short. Way too short. But it's also long enough to really get attached, to love someone with your whole heart and then to feel your heart almost physically break when you have to say goodbye.
Oh gosh. I miss Matthew a lot today.
Very weird.
Very hard.
I really don't know how I lived through that. When I look at my little Clay and try to imagine saying goodbye, I start to cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Matthew, I cry knowing that my boys will never meet in this life.
Seven weeks is so short. Way too short. But it's also long enough to really get attached, to love someone with your whole heart and then to feel your heart almost physically break when you have to say goodbye.
Oh gosh. I miss Matthew a lot today.
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