How we're doing

No news on Matthew yet... still waiting to hear back from MUSC. But in the meantime, I thought I'd just share with you how we're doing these days. I've had a lot of people asking about us recently, wondering how we're doing, what we need, and what they can pray for and I know from personal experience that it can be awkward to see someone who's going through a tough time and wonder what you should say or not say, so I thought I'd just be blunt so you know where we stand.

Honestly, I feel like God has wrapped a protective blanket around me this past week. I've been emotional and downcast, yes, but I've also felt this incredible peace about the future. When I've started to get weighed down or felt hopeless, God has brought to mind the fact that He cares more for Matthew than I ever can and that He loves Cole, Claire and me more than we'll ever realize. The scripture about God working everything together for good and also the one about His plans to give us a future and a hope keep coming to mind and comforting my soul.

I don't know how many of you know this, but Matthew was actually an "accident" baby. Claire was only six months old and Cole and I had no plans to get pregnant again so soon. We had been discussing seminary plans and the surprise of Matthew kind of put a wrench in those plans. Selfishly, we would rather have waited a year or so before having another baby, but God had other plans for us. I know that God does everything purposefully, but I feel like He our situation is extra-purposeful. Matthew's name means "gift from God" and we chose it because he really is a total gift, something we weren't expecting and something we have already been so blessed by. I don't know God is going to use us, but I'm finding endless comfort in knowing that God is sovereign over EVERYTHING that is happening.

That being said, we are still struggling with the gravity of our son's situation. I find myself daily pleading with God for his life, begging the Lord to work a miracle because I know that without it, Matthew won't live much longer. It's so surreal to me. When I look at him, he appears so healthy and normal. I can almost fool myself into thinking that things aren't as serious as we've been told. But then a doctor will come up and make a reference to his unusual and totally screwed-up anatomy and I'm brought back to reality. I see all the IV's and monitors on my son's body and I remember that it's about as bad as it can be. I find myself looking around the NICU and being jealous of all the other parents whose babies will probably go home soon.

And I can start to hold a pity-party for myself. I can start to feel that God's not being fair or that I don't deserve to have a child die. And I know that I could start down the road to bitterness and doubt, but thankfully, THANKFULLY, it's in those moments that God lifts me up and reminds me that I am precious in His sight and not a hair can fall from my head without His will. It's hard to express it in words, but I really do feel a peace that doesn't make sense to me and that can only come from God's hand.

So there it is. We're scared to death but we know that God is holding us up and guiding us every step of the way. The only thing we need right now is prayer. Please pray that the doctors at MUSC will come back to us with the good news that they will do surgery on Matthew's heart and lungs. And please pray that Cole and I will continue to trust God even if that is not the answer we get.