2011

I can honestly say that 2011 was the hardest year of my life. This time last year I was still oblivious to the storm that was about to hit our family. I still thought I was invincible. I thought that life was going as I had planned. I had it all and it was all under control.

Then came the storm. It hit me so hard that sometimes I don't know how I survived. My worst fear, the thing that gave me nightmares, the one thing I thought I would never be able to handle came true. I learned that my precious baby had a life-threatening heart condition and then I had to stand by and watch helplessly as he died.

There were so many days this year that I literally wanted to die too. Every day was painful and it was a struggle not to give in to despair. I didn't think that life held any promise any more. The future seemed like a big black hole and I didn't want to face it. I didn't think I could face it. Matthew's death left an ache in my heart that seemed to crush any other joy that tried to come in.

I still hate what happened. I would do anything to have Matthew here with us. But I have had time to heal and to reflect. Mostly, I've had time to scream and yell and plead and cry out to God and I've learned to trust His answers. I've wrestled with whether or not I believe that he loves me and that he is good and I've decided it's true. In the moments when I thought I would go crazy with grief, God has reminded me of heaven and that reminder has been enough to calm my heart and give me hope. Every time I think that I can't handle another moment without my baby boy, I remember that God has promised me a perfect eternity with Matthew, one that will make all my tears be forgotten.

I hope I never have another year like this one. I hope none of you ever have a year like this either. But if we do, I know that no matter what, God really is faithful and that he is enough for every circumstance.

Happy New Year friends!