Today we were up in Columbia for a family Christmas party and we passed the cemetery on our way there and back. Both times I was surprised by the emotion and tears that just sprung to my eyes. We didn't stop to go see Matthew's grave and for some reason that made me feel guilty, like I was being a bad mother by not stopping to see my child. It's weird, I know, but it's also really hard not to feel like that. On one hand I know that he's not really there, that he's in heaven, but on the other hand, it's the only physical place I have to tie him to. It's his "final resting place," the last home of his physical body. I'm always torn by the two realities, which is probably why I cried as we passed by.
I guess it's what we all struggle with. We have the hope of heaven and a joyful eternity, but in the meantime we're stuck on this earth where life really stinks sometimes.
For the record, I don't think that there's anything wrong with you wanting to stop and see Matthew's grave. I can't fathom the pain that you're going through, I'm so sorry. I'm still praying for you daily, and hope that you're seeing God's mercies renewed every morning.
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It's perfectly normal for you to feel that way. My dad died when I was 8 years old. Over Thanksgiving, Ken and I drove to PA and were able to go to his cemetery, after many years of not having been there. I know my dad isn't there, but that's where his body is, so that is where I feel closest to him, even after almost 46 years. I cried there, too. He's not been a part of my life longer than he ever was, but he's still my dad and I miss him. It hasn't even been long at all since Matthew went away, so don't feel you need to be over those feelings. You may always have a twinge when you pass that place. Some days you may not. Don't be so hard on yourself, Julia. No one but those who have walked in your shoes know how it feels. God knows. :) Vickie K
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