Baby Clay

Welcome Clay!

He's here!!! After having consistent but slow contractions from Thursday night to Sunday morning, my water finally broke around 6:30 am on Sunday and we headed to the hospital. Once we got there, the nurses informed me that it was against hospital policy to allow VBACs after two c-sections. That plus the fact that my contractions weren't getting any closer together had us doubtful that I was going to be able to avoid another c-section. But thankfully we had a lot of people praying for us :) and God was gracious to give us the best nurse ever and a doctor who was willing to let me try to VBAC. Because it was the weekend, I had an on-call doctor, but thankfully she was open to letting me labor. Once my contractions picked up and I started dilating well, she said that she was willing to go against hospital policy and let me VBAC (which means Vaginal Birth After Cesarean for those of you who don't know birth lingo :)). Our nurse was a fantastic coach and she cheered me through the hard parts. I did end up getting an epidural, so my labor wasn't totally "natural", but let me tell you! After having two c-sections, I had no idea how uncomfortable pushing out a baby is! Let's just say I'm not looking forward to doing that again anytime soon! Clay came out "sunny side up" which means it was harder to push him out and his head was more cone-shaped than usual :) but other than that, it was a smooth delivery! He was 8 lbs. 4 oz. and 21 inches long. He has LOTS of dark hair and actually looks a good bit like Matthew did.

We're home now and recovering well! I'm really enjoying this recovery as opposed to recovering from a c-section. It really is wayyyy easier! Thank you so much for all your prayers. They were definitely answered!

Before the pain hit :)

Feeling those contractions! 

And here he is! 

Clay Marshall Nickell 

Big sister love :)

Our little family

So proud to be a daddy again! 

More pics to come soon! 

Mother's Day reflections

This time last year, Matthew was still with us. I remember sending Claire to church with Dana and then going to the hospital to spend the morning with Matthew. It was the best Mother's Day gift ever. I just sat there and told him all the reasons I was thankful to be his mother. I even got to hold him that day and his nurses made me a card with his footprints on it. It's hard this year with him being gone. As I walk through "his days" - the days between April 28 and June 18 - he is constantly on my mind. I find myself trying to remember what was going on then and going back and reading my posts to remember. In some ways I'm so thankful to have this year of grieving behind me, but it also feels like his memory is fading with the grief. I wish I could hold on tightly to the way he smelled and felt and sounded, but unfortunately that's just something that I can't stop from fading. I find myself crying a lot more lately. I wonder if that's because I'm in the middle of "Matthew's days" and really missing him or if it's just my hormones spiking in preparation for Clay's birth :) Either way, it's been a little exhausting.

Speaking of Clay, I feel like I'm just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting. I'm so ready to have him with us! I long to have a baby in my arms again. I'm really hoping that Clay will bring a lot of healing to my heart. I know he's not a replacement for Matthew and I certainly would never put that expectation on him, but I think he will help give me a renewed purpose and help me get past the emptiness I still feel when I see little boys Matthew's age. He will help me move past my pity parties and remind me again that life is still sweet and fresh.

At least that's what I hope. I could be a total basket case. Who knows...

Anyway, this year on Mother's Day, I'm again grateful that God has chosen to bless me with children. I'm thankful for Claire and her wonderful personality, for the light she was in my life during this dark year. I'm thankful that God chose to give us Matthew, no matter how short the time was. And I'm excited to meet Clay! Today is my due date, so hopefully he'll show his face soon :)

Claire & Clay's room!

Yes, I know, I'm due in 5 days and I'm just now finishing the kids room. Talk about last minute :) But hey, better late than never. And we just decided that Claire was big enough for a big girl bed. Well... mainly I decided that having two cribs and a queen bed in one room looked more like a hostel than an inviting kids room. So we rearranged :)

The guest bed is now tucked back in the game room, we put Claire in Cole's old twin bed, and we gave the crib to Clay. I finally got a changing table/dresser (I wanted one when Claire was born but just didn't want to spend the $$) and spent three hours putting it together. I also bought and assembled some small shelves for Claire's books and toys. We still need a head board for Claire's bed, but besides that, the room is complete!

And as of today my house is clean, my laundry is done, I have a few meals in the fridge, and my hospital bags are packed. Come on out Clay!!!

39 weeks (almost)

Well, it's official.

I waddle. I ache. I have acid reflux. I go pee every 30 minutes.

All I have to say is: "Clay - get out!!!"

Seriously though, I have been doing everything I can to encourage my body into labor. Last night my mother in law and I went walking, which felt great at the time, but today I could barely move. We also finally reorganized Claire's room to include Clay (yeah, I know... last minute), so I'm really feeling achy tonight. It would be just fine with me if I woke up in labor tonight. But knowing my body, that won't happen and I'll end up having to have another c-section. Oh well.

Happy Birthday Matthew

Today Matthew would've been one year old.

One year old!

I can't even imagine what that would be like. It seems like so long since he was with us. I still miss him everyday and with the arrival of Clay fast approaching, he's on my mind even more more. I find myself wondering what he would look like, if he would be walking, talking, etc.

I vividly remember this day last year. I was so nervous as we went to the hospital, but at the same time I felt peace that God was directing every detail. I had so much hope then. I thought that once he was born, doctors would be able to perform the needed surgeries and he would live. Of course, once he was born and we understood the magnitude of his problems, I wrestled every day to keep that hope. There were so many days that Cole and I thought we were going to lose him, but I think that I always held on to the hope that God would let him be my "miracle baby." I never really thought that he would die, probably because I didn't think that I could survive losing him.

Now here we are, a year later... a year that's been the hardest of my life. I am so thankful for how God has walked with me through this year, helping me to move through the sorrow, anger, depression, disappointment, jealousy, and self-pity. I know I've got a long way to go, but seeing God's faithfulness has forever changed my view of life and of Him.

So today, on Matthew's birthday, we are crying, yes, but we are also rejoicing over his precious life and are so thankful that God gave us him to us for 7 weeks and 2 days. Mostly, we are longing for the day when we can see him again.

Happy birthday baby boy! 

Escape Artist???

Early Saturday morning, as I was in the middle of my crazy pregnant-lady dreaming, I felt a little tap on my shoulder and pulling on the covers. Groggily, I rolled over and opened my eyes to see Claire's little face grinning at me and saying, "Hey Mommy!" I blinked and rubbed my eyes and exclaimed, "Baby girl, how'd you get here!" She kept grinning and chatting away and saying, "Eat breakfast?!" I looked at the clock - 6:52 am -  and said, "No Claire, it's not breakfast time yet. Did you climb out of your crib?" She nodded. I said, "Baby girl, you're not allowed to get out of bed till Mommy gets you. It's too early!" So I scooped her up and took her back to her room, put her in her crib, and told her not to climb out again. She looked disappointed, but nodded and said "Yes mommy." I walked back across the house, climbed in bed, and had no sooner pulled the covers over my head then I heard a CRASH and immediate crying. I ran back to Claire's room and found her on the hardwood floor with a stream of blood coming out of her nose :( I picked her up and comforted her and wiped all the blood away. Then we had a long chat about why she's not supposed to climb out of her crib.

She hasn't done it again, but I'm sensing that the next episode is not far away. As active as she's always been, I'm surprised it hadn't happened earlier. I guess she finally got bored enough to figure it out! Oh Claire......... :)

36 weeks

And I feel like a walrus. You can't tell from this picture, but I feel like sometimes I might actually explode :) Here's hoping I can make it 4 more weeks!!! Come on Clay!

Oh, and Happy Easter from all of us! We finally got our family pic :)

Plans

On Tuesday, Cole and I took time away from the distractions of life to go spend time together with the Lord and seek His direction for our future. After visiting Covenant Seminary last month, we are confident that this is where God is leading us, but we have been wrestling with when to go. We really wanted to make sure that we were following the Lord’s leading and not just making a selfish decision. So we drove up to my grandparent’s house at Lake Murray and spent a few hours singing songs, studying the Bible, and praying together. We made a list of pros for going now and for waiting another year and then discussed what was really important to us. Our theme verse for the day was Psalm 37:4, which says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Our aim was to make sure that we were seeking the Lord’s leading and delighting ourselves in Him as we made our decision. There were good reasons for both, but Cole felt a stronger desire to stay another year and enjoy ministering at New Covenant. He wrestled with whether this desire was from God or a selfish one and really prayed and thought through it. As the day came to a close, that desire had not diminished. We felt like this was God’s leading, so we made the decision to wait until fall of 2013 to go to Covenant Seminary. We feel peace about it and are excited about our future! Just wanted to give y'all an update!

Happy Easter!

Claire and I spent Easter weekend in Asheville with my family. Cole had a wedding to film on Saturday and was busy with Easter services all day Sunday, so he couldn't be with us, but all the rest of my family was together. It's rare that we're all in the same place at once, so we took full advantage of the time together and the nice weather! 

Caroline, Claire, and Bruton enjoying the "slack line" with their uncles

The family picture... as good as it gets with three little ones :)

Cute cousins!