Well now that you know...

... I can finally blog about it! I've been bursting to share my thoughts and feelings from this pregnancy. It's been hard not having anyone to talk to except Cole. I've know since September 12th, though we had been trying so I suspected it way before then. I know some of you have probably been worried about me because of the depressing tone of my blog posts in September and October. Well, now I can explain why.

I knew that being pregnant so close to Matthew's death would be hard and that I would probably be emotionally whacky because of my raging hormones, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. I was very surprised by the intensity of emotion that overwhelmed me. I was sad all the time. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was irritable, emotional, and worn out. I wasn't able to rejoice over this new baby because I was constantly focused on how much I missed Matthew. I guess I felt that this new baby meant that life was really moving on, leaving Matthew behind.

Which leads me to explain something else you're probably wondering. Why did she wait so long to tell us? Well, there are lots of reasons, but it mainly comes down to one big one: I just wasn't ready to move on. I know it's stupid, but I felt like once I told everyone, they would forget about Matthew and forget to ask me about how I'm doing and move on to the easier thing to talk about - the new baby. I was so afraid people would think, Oh she got pregnant quick... She must be ok... I bet this new baby helps ease the pain, etc. I got pregnant again so soon because we realized that if we wanted another baby before seminary, I needed to have it in the early summer. We also didn't want there to be a big gap between Claire and the next baby. And honestly, this pregnancy has made Matthew's death harder emotionally. The joy of this new life collides with the pain of missing Matthew and, if I'm being honest, the pain sometimes overshadows the joy. So that's why we've kept it secret. I wanted to wait until I could work through my raging hormones and get past my fear of moving on with life.

So now I have a request for you :). I want to thank you for loving us and praying for us and sharing in our joy and sorrow, but I especially want to ask that you keep remembering Matthew with us. Please ask about how we're doing. Don't be afraid to talk about him - most of the time I'm dying to talk about him. Realize that while we are so excited for this new baby, we are still aching over Matthew. I am so thankful for the friends yesterday at church who realized this and let me talk about it. It was much appreciated :)

P.S. We find out on December 15th whether it's a boy or girl. I'm kinda nervous about it. Sometimes I want it to be a boy, but then I'm afraid that I'll just project Matthew on to him, so then I think it'll be easier if it's a girl....... so yeah. I'm grateful that God has already decided what's best for us regarding the sex of this baby and that I don't have to make that decision.

Claire has something to tell you...

She also wants to let you know that this exciting event will take place on May 13, 2012!!!

Claire loves Matthew

I've been trying to work on some projects and do some things to help honor Matthew's memory. I have a scrapbook that I'm going to work on one of these days, but in the meantime I've gotten a bunch of pictures framed. One idea I had was to frame a picture of all my kids when they're around 2 or 3 months old. I'll never have pictures of Matthew from first grade or graduation like I will for Claire and others, but I do have some cute ones from his short seven weeks here. So, I found the best one of him and went back and found a cute one of Claire from around the same age and put them in matching frames and hung them in her room. I plan on doing that for every child, that way Matthew will at least be included in some family pics.

Anyway, the point of my rambling is that Claire has really taken notice of the pictures. For the first few days, every time she walked in her room, she ran over to the wall, pointed and said "Machew!" And every night when she goes to bed, she does the same thing and sometimes says "Nih-night Machew." It just melts my heart. Even though she doesn't fully understand who he is, she recognizes that he's important to us. I am so grateful for her sweetness and the way she has been a balm to my soul in these hard days. I wish she could've known him better... but like I've been preaching to myself... no regrets. I'm grateful for what I have.

What I'm learning

I've been working through my emotions lately, trying to figure out why I've been struggling so much. Not that my grieving is wrong, but because it's draining and exhausting and I just want to work through it in a healthy way. I want to be able to live as a joyful person, while still being able to miss Matthew. What I've come to realize is that I have to let go of everything. Let go of the future I thought we had with Matthew. Let go of the fact that I'll never hear him laugh or see him walk. Let go of that little heart tug that happens when I see other moms with their healthy babies. Let go of what I thought I deserved or what I thought God owed me.

Instead, I need to be thankful for what I got. I got seven weeks and two days with Matthew. That's more that some people get. I got to spend every day with him and see his first smiles. I've gotten to experience a closeness to God that I've never had before. My eyes have been opened to the suffering of other's around me in a way they couldn't have been before. And I still have Cole and Claire :) and they are my biggest blessings.

Of course I will always wish Matthew was here. I will always ache for my little boy. But I need to move forward and not get stuck in the past. This is what I'm trying to do.

Halloween 2011

For Claire's halloween at church, she and I were cheerleaders. She was a Clemson cheerleader (woohoo!) and I, unfortunately, was a USC cheerleader. No, I'm not a fan, it just happens that I actually have my grandmother's sweatshirt from her days as an USC cheerleader and I thought it would be funny to have both sides of the South Carolina rivalry.

Oh, and Cole was one of the students in our youth group :) 

Cute little tiger butt!

 Stealing all the lollypops :)

 Bobbing for apples

Love our little girl! 

And then there was a halloween party for just us grown-ups. Cole and I were nerds :)

Asheville

Claire and I took a trip to Asheville the last weekend of October to see the leaves, like a million other tourists, and spend time with my parents. It was beautiful and restful and refreshing. I actually took a camera ;) so here are some pictures of our time there: 

6 months

Today Matthew would have been six months old, but rather than focusing on all the things I miss and what will never be, I want to focus on what I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful that God chose me to be Matthew's momma.

I'm thankful that I was there for every single day of his precious life.

I'm thankful that I got to tell him I loved him and kiss him at least once every single day of his life.

I'm thankful that I got to see him smile and hear his little voice.

I'm thankful for all the quiet moments that the two of us shared.

I'm thankful for the times I overheard Cole telling the Gospel to him.

I'm thankful that he got to meet his big sis three different times and that she'll never go a day in her life without knowing who he is.

I'm thankful for his amazing doctors who were able to give us those seven weeks and two days.

Im thankful for the way he was so loved and prayed for by people that never even got to meet him.

I'm thankful that he is suffering no more.

I'm thankful that he was fearfully and wonderfully made (even with all his "problems") and that God planned his little life before the foundation of the world.

I'm thankful for a sovereign Lord who loves me and Matthew more than we can imagine and who promises me that this is not the end.

I love you Matthew and I miss you so very much, but I cannot wait for the day when we get to spend forever together. 

Verses

Psalm 94

"When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love O Lord held me up.
When the cares of my heart were many, your consolations cheer my soul."

Between the Nancy Guthrie conference I went to this weekend and the encouragement of dear friends who have walked this path of suffering before me, the Lord is holding me up and cheering my soul for the road ahead.

My milestones

It's odd and just not right. While most of my friends are posting about the weeks and months that have passed since their babies were born, I get to blog about how long it's been since Matthew left us. Four long months. That's how long it's been since I held my baby in my arms. Four months of wondering why, of crying, and of begging God to ease the pain. Four months of wondering how I'm going to stand the rest of my life without him. How I wish my milestones were different. How I wish that I was blogging about all of his "firsts" and posting current cute pictures of him and Claire. I am trusting that he is running and playing in the fields of heaven, but my mother's heart would so much rather have him running and playing here with me.

Grief and Hope?

There are days when life seems really good, the future really bright. I can get excited about little things and just enjoy the moments I have with Claire and Cole. I can actually feel perfectly content and at peace.

Then there are days when I long to hold my baby boy so badly that the tears don't stop. On those days I don't think my heart will ever heal and I don't think that my life will ever be full again. Those days come more often than I would like and they leave me exhausted and broken.

It is so hard to face this loss, to feel its full weight and have to trudge through it. It's hard to praise God when I feel so cheated and empty. But I have to. I have to embrace the grief while keeping God's truth close to my heart. I have to believe that His promise of Eternity is enough, even when I don't feel that it is. And I have to realize that I will never be fully healed on this side of Heaven, and that's ok. Part of my heart is no longer there because I gave it to Matthew and he took it with him when he died. I will always carry this scar, but how I carry it depends on how I let God use it. I can be bitter (which I am many days) or I can embrace my grief and praise God through it.

I ask for prayer as I struggle with balancing grief with hope. I want to "rejoice in all circumstances" but it's harder than I thought it would be.