Yesterday....

Matthew would've been nine months old yesterday. Claire was walking and talking at nine months. When I think about that, the loss I feel is too deep for words. It's something that starts to consume me and pull me down into depression. The only thing that saves me is remembering that God has promised an eternity where every tear will be wiped from my eyes and death and sorrow will be no more (Revelation 21). I long for that day!

Today was really tough for me. This baby has started moving a lot more and every time I feel him kick I think about Matthew. I guess it's because I don't have a face or name for him yet, so by default I think of Matthew. Regardless, it's been really hard lately to not think of this baby as another Matthew. I know in my head that he's his own separate person, but because of all the similarities to my pregnancy with Matthew, I just feel like I'm reliving last year.

I miss my little boy so much! There are times when I still feel like its all been a bad dream and he can't really be gone. I still feel like this can't really be happening to me. I ask for your prayers as I continue to weep over him and struggle to accept this as part of God's plan for my life.

Happy birthday Claire!

Today my little girl turns 2! It's amazing. I feel like it's been minutes since I gave birth to her, yet here she is running around chattering about everything like a little girl! What happened to my baby?!

Needless to say, we are so in love with her! She's still an easy-going little girl, though signs of the "terrible-twos" pop up every now and then - yikes! She likes to tell me what she does and doesn't like and when I ask her questions, she says "Ya" like she's already a teenager :) She's love puzzles and books and eating and night-night time. She doesn't like loud noises or eggs or strange men (good!). She repeats everything we say and tries to imitate our poses, especially Cole's.

She is also becoming quite inquisitive. One day last week, I went in the get her up from her nap time and found her completely naked, with her clothes and diaper on the floor. As I walked in, she announced "PEE PEE!" very delightedly and pointed down. Yes, she had pee-peed all over the bed.

She also likes to watch me do everything - from going to the bathroom, to brushing my teeth, to putting on my shoes, to cleaning - all while announcing it in play-by-play style.

All in all, we are so thankful for our little girl! She makes our lives much sweeter :)

Happy birthday baby girl!!!

My heart

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands.

For You are who You are

No matter where I am.

And every tear I cried

You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm. 

~Casting Crowns

Holiday Ball

This year the Nickell family headed up to Columbia for the annual Military Academies Holiday Ball. The last time we went was 6 years ago right after Cole and I started dating. Here are some fun pics from the night!

Claire's Christmas

This little girl had a very merry Christmas! We spent Christmas day in Aiken, then headed up to Asheville the day after. She was spoiled again by all of her relatives and ended up with far more presents than Cole and I combined. Ahhhh, the price of being little and cute :)

4 years ago today....

... Cole and I got married at the young, young age of 21. Seriously, we were just babies :) Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes I can't remember a time when we weren't together. I am so thankful that God put this man in my life.

I remember meeting him as a freshman at Covenant College (he was still 17!!!) and thinking, "Gosh, he's cute. But there's no way this guy will ever be interested in you Julia. Don't even go there." So I didn't. I was resolute in being "just friends" for a year and a half. During that time we got to know each other better than we probably would've otherwise. We played on an intramural team, had a few classes together, went on a few study dates, and eventually realized that we were more than just friends. We started dating and within a few months I knew that he was the one for me and vice versa. The rest is history.

Now as I look back on our dating and marriage, I'm so thankful for how God brought us together. I really did get to marry my best friend and he really has stuck by me for better and for worse. Four years ago we never could have anticipated the ups and downs of this last year, but God has been faithful in keeping us close together.

Just for fun, here are my top five favorite things about my husband:
1) He is an amazing daddy. Watching him with Claire makes me so thankful!
2) He is super smart! I will never have to worry about keeping up with technology because it's in his blood and he can always solve my problems for me :)
3) He is deeply mature and yet amazingly immature at the same time. I don't know how he does it. One minute he can be preaching the most amazing, convicting message I've ever heard, and the next minute he's teaching Claire how shovel food into her mouth.
4) He is incredibly (and naturally) athletic. He can not work out for a month and eat cookies every day, but he will still have his 8-pack abs and be able to chase down a frisbee faster than anyone else. I hope our kids inherit those genes!
5) He is a people person. He never meets a stranger and he is great at loving everyone, not just the popular people. While I tend to get caught up in tasks and goals, he always puts relationships first.

I love you Cole and am blessed to be your wife! Happy Anniversary!

2011

I can honestly say that 2011 was the hardest year of my life. This time last year I was still oblivious to the storm that was about to hit our family. I still thought I was invincible. I thought that life was going as I had planned. I had it all and it was all under control.

Then came the storm. It hit me so hard that sometimes I don't know how I survived. My worst fear, the thing that gave me nightmares, the one thing I thought I would never be able to handle came true. I learned that my precious baby had a life-threatening heart condition and then I had to stand by and watch helplessly as he died.

There were so many days this year that I literally wanted to die too. Every day was painful and it was a struggle not to give in to despair. I didn't think that life held any promise any more. The future seemed like a big black hole and I didn't want to face it. I didn't think I could face it. Matthew's death left an ache in my heart that seemed to crush any other joy that tried to come in.

I still hate what happened. I would do anything to have Matthew here with us. But I have had time to heal and to reflect. Mostly, I've had time to scream and yell and plead and cry out to God and I've learned to trust His answers. I've wrestled with whether or not I believe that he loves me and that he is good and I've decided it's true. In the moments when I thought I would go crazy with grief, God has reminded me of heaven and that reminder has been enough to calm my heart and give me hope. Every time I think that I can't handle another moment without my baby boy, I remember that God has promised me a perfect eternity with Matthew, one that will make all my tears be forgotten.

I hope I never have another year like this one. I hope none of you ever have a year like this either. But if we do, I know that no matter what, God really is faithful and that he is enough for every circumstance.

Happy New Year friends!

Merry Christmas!

Joy to the world, the Lord is come! I am so thankful that Jesus came to this earth willing to die for us so that sin and death would no longer have power over us. Without the gift of this heavenly baby, I would be separated forever from my baby. Yes, my heart is missing Matthew, but because of Christ, I can say that it is well with my soul this season. Merry Christmas friends!

This stinks

Today we were up in Columbia for a family Christmas party and we passed the cemetery on our way there and back. Both times I was surprised by the emotion and tears that just sprung to my eyes. We didn't stop to go see Matthew's grave and for some reason that made me feel guilty, like I was being a bad mother by not stopping to see my child. It's weird, I know, but it's also really hard not to feel like that. On one hand I know that he's not really there, that he's in heaven, but on the other hand, it's the only physical place I have to tie him to. It's his "final resting place," the last home of his physical body. I'm always torn by the two realities, which is probably why I cried as we passed by.

I guess it's what we all struggle with. We have the hope of heaven and a joyful eternity, but in the meantime we're stuck on this earth where life really stinks sometimes.

Almost halfway...

This is what I look like so far... almost halfway there! (Don't ask me why we have those strange shadows above our heads.) My cousin Sarah Parker always makes me take these belly pics with her :) She's crazy!