Struggling

Today one of Matthew's doctors told me that he isn't doing as well on his feedings as they hoped and they've started to consider putting in a G-tube. The way he gets most of his feedings now is through an NG-tube which goes into his nose and down into his stomach. A G-tube would go directly into the stomach from his side and it is something we could take him home with. They've considered this because it could take him months to get up to speed on feeding himself and they don't want us to be sitting in the hospital waiting that whole time. The G-tube would allow us to go home and work on his feedings there. I would be able to give him milk directly through the G-tube when he's too tired to take a bottle.

However, we're looking at another 2 or more weeks here until that happens. His doctor wants to give him a few more days to try to improve with bottle feedings before they schedule the G-tube procedure. If and when they schedule it, it will probably take a week to get a surgery spot and then a few more days to recover. So yeah, looks like I'll be here until July.

I'm feeling kind of down with this news and wondering if life will ever get normal. I ran across a blog today of another mom who had a baby girl with congenital heart defects and her thoughts on having a heart baby are a good assessment of how I feel right now:

"It just isn't fair for an infant to come into this world having to fight as hard as she has. These first weeks of her life should have been spent rejoicing over her birth and celebrating with friends and family. She should have been at home within days and I should have had every moment since her birth to bond with and love her. Her skin should be without a blemish and without scars that display the battles she has fought. God has different plans for her. He has used all of her pain, hurt and fear for His purpose. Eventually, we will be home and we will bond as a family. She will know that she is loved immensely. Her scars will tell others of her strength and of God's Plan for her life. I wish I understood His Plan and why He has allowed our daughter to go through so much. What I have to remind myself is that even if I did know, I would still not understand it all. God refines all of us daily in many different ways."

How true. I am thankful that God knows how I feel and give me the strength to face each day with His grace. I'm struggling, yes, but I am not hopeless. "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39.