2011

I can honestly say that 2011 was the hardest year of my life. This time last year I was still oblivious to the storm that was about to hit our family. I still thought I was invincible. I thought that life was going as I had planned. I had it all and it was all under control.

Then came the storm. It hit me so hard that sometimes I don't know how I survived. My worst fear, the thing that gave me nightmares, the one thing I thought I would never be able to handle came true. I learned that my precious baby had a life-threatening heart condition and then I had to stand by and watch helplessly as he died.

There were so many days this year that I literally wanted to die too. Every day was painful and it was a struggle not to give in to despair. I didn't think that life held any promise any more. The future seemed like a big black hole and I didn't want to face it. I didn't think I could face it. Matthew's death left an ache in my heart that seemed to crush any other joy that tried to come in.

I still hate what happened. I would do anything to have Matthew here with us. But I have had time to heal and to reflect. Mostly, I've had time to scream and yell and plead and cry out to God and I've learned to trust His answers. I've wrestled with whether or not I believe that he loves me and that he is good and I've decided it's true. In the moments when I thought I would go crazy with grief, God has reminded me of heaven and that reminder has been enough to calm my heart and give me hope. Every time I think that I can't handle another moment without my baby boy, I remember that God has promised me a perfect eternity with Matthew, one that will make all my tears be forgotten.

I hope I never have another year like this one. I hope none of you ever have a year like this either. But if we do, I know that no matter what, God really is faithful and that he is enough for every circumstance.

Happy New Year friends!

Merry Christmas!

Joy to the world, the Lord is come! I am so thankful that Jesus came to this earth willing to die for us so that sin and death would no longer have power over us. Without the gift of this heavenly baby, I would be separated forever from my baby. Yes, my heart is missing Matthew, but because of Christ, I can say that it is well with my soul this season. Merry Christmas friends!

This stinks

Today we were up in Columbia for a family Christmas party and we passed the cemetery on our way there and back. Both times I was surprised by the emotion and tears that just sprung to my eyes. We didn't stop to go see Matthew's grave and for some reason that made me feel guilty, like I was being a bad mother by not stopping to see my child. It's weird, I know, but it's also really hard not to feel like that. On one hand I know that he's not really there, that he's in heaven, but on the other hand, it's the only physical place I have to tie him to. It's his "final resting place," the last home of his physical body. I'm always torn by the two realities, which is probably why I cried as we passed by.

I guess it's what we all struggle with. We have the hope of heaven and a joyful eternity, but in the meantime we're stuck on this earth where life really stinks sometimes.

Almost halfway...

This is what I look like so far... almost halfway there! (Don't ask me why we have those strange shadows above our heads.) My cousin Sarah Parker always makes me take these belly pics with her :) She's crazy! 

And it's a....

BOY!!!

Everything looks good. Praise the Lord. We are so excited!

Guesses???

Thursday is the big day. The day when we find out what baby #3 is! I have no idea what to expect. I'm sick like I was with Claire, but not gaining weight like I did with Matthew. So maybe it's twins!

Not. That was totally a joke. There's only one heartbeat - I've seen it.

Anyway, I'm excited, nervous, and a little scared. Mostly I'm just thankful that God knows what this baby is and what's best for us.

I'd very much appreciate your prayers in regards to the baby's anatomy. They'll do a good look at every major organ, and while I'm sure nothing is wrong, I'll be relieved when we know for sure that everything's normal. This was the ultrasound when we found out something was wrong with Matthew, so obviously it brings back bad memories.

Happy Christmas season

For most of my life, Christmas has mostly meant parties, food, and gifts. Oh yeah, and Jesus. I have to include him because I'm a Christian.

But this year it's different. Last night I was really struggling with Matthew's death and just feeling so hopeless. And then I stopped and thought about this time of year. I thought about how much I forget about Christ during Christmas and how much more thankful I am this year that he came. If Christ had never come I would be the most depressed, suicidal, and angry person you ever met because I really would be hopeless in the face of Matthew's death. I think I would probably fall apart if I thought that I had kissed Matthew goodbye for forever on June 18th. But instead, even on my worst days, when I think I can't go another second without my little boy, I can remind myself that eternity is coming. I can remind myself that because of Jesus, I get to kiss my little boy again.

Jesus' coming means everything to me this year. It means I have hope. It means I have a future to look forward to. It means that joy is possible.

Joy to the world! The Lord is come!

Well now that you know...

... I can finally blog about it! I've been bursting to share my thoughts and feelings from this pregnancy. It's been hard not having anyone to talk to except Cole. I've know since September 12th, though we had been trying so I suspected it way before then. I know some of you have probably been worried about me because of the depressing tone of my blog posts in September and October. Well, now I can explain why.

I knew that being pregnant so close to Matthew's death would be hard and that I would probably be emotionally whacky because of my raging hormones, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. I was very surprised by the intensity of emotion that overwhelmed me. I was sad all the time. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was irritable, emotional, and worn out. I wasn't able to rejoice over this new baby because I was constantly focused on how much I missed Matthew. I guess I felt that this new baby meant that life was really moving on, leaving Matthew behind.

Which leads me to explain something else you're probably wondering. Why did she wait so long to tell us? Well, there are lots of reasons, but it mainly comes down to one big one: I just wasn't ready to move on. I know it's stupid, but I felt like once I told everyone, they would forget about Matthew and forget to ask me about how I'm doing and move on to the easier thing to talk about - the new baby. I was so afraid people would think, Oh she got pregnant quick... She must be ok... I bet this new baby helps ease the pain, etc. I got pregnant again so soon because we realized that if we wanted another baby before seminary, I needed to have it in the early summer. We also didn't want there to be a big gap between Claire and the next baby. And honestly, this pregnancy has made Matthew's death harder emotionally. The joy of this new life collides with the pain of missing Matthew and, if I'm being honest, the pain sometimes overshadows the joy. So that's why we've kept it secret. I wanted to wait until I could work through my raging hormones and get past my fear of moving on with life.

So now I have a request for you :). I want to thank you for loving us and praying for us and sharing in our joy and sorrow, but I especially want to ask that you keep remembering Matthew with us. Please ask about how we're doing. Don't be afraid to talk about him - most of the time I'm dying to talk about him. Realize that while we are so excited for this new baby, we are still aching over Matthew. I am so thankful for the friends yesterday at church who realized this and let me talk about it. It was much appreciated :)

P.S. We find out on December 15th whether it's a boy or girl. I'm kinda nervous about it. Sometimes I want it to be a boy, but then I'm afraid that I'll just project Matthew on to him, so then I think it'll be easier if it's a girl....... so yeah. I'm grateful that God has already decided what's best for us regarding the sex of this baby and that I don't have to make that decision.

Claire has something to tell you...

She also wants to let you know that this exciting event will take place on May 13, 2012!!!

Claire loves Matthew

I've been trying to work on some projects and do some things to help honor Matthew's memory. I have a scrapbook that I'm going to work on one of these days, but in the meantime I've gotten a bunch of pictures framed. One idea I had was to frame a picture of all my kids when they're around 2 or 3 months old. I'll never have pictures of Matthew from first grade or graduation like I will for Claire and others, but I do have some cute ones from his short seven weeks here. So, I found the best one of him and went back and found a cute one of Claire from around the same age and put them in matching frames and hung them in her room. I plan on doing that for every child, that way Matthew will at least be included in some family pics.

Anyway, the point of my rambling is that Claire has really taken notice of the pictures. For the first few days, every time she walked in her room, she ran over to the wall, pointed and said "Machew!" And every night when she goes to bed, she does the same thing and sometimes says "Nih-night Machew." It just melts my heart. Even though she doesn't fully understand who he is, she recognizes that he's important to us. I am so grateful for her sweetness and the way she has been a balm to my soul in these hard days. I wish she could've known him better... but like I've been preaching to myself... no regrets. I'm grateful for what I have.