Memories

Last night I finished Matthew's scrapbook album. It's a project I've been excited to do, but put off for months because I just wasn't ready to dive in. The first night as I pulled everything out, I just wept. It all fit on my kitchen table. All the pictures, keepsakes, cards, and paraphernalia were stretched out in front of me on my tiny kitchen table and I think the brevity of his life hit me really hard in that moment. Seeing his cute little face staring at me in every picture was almost torture because I just wanted to reach through the pictures and hold him one more time. Instead, I just kissed the pictures like a crazy person :) Then I dove in and started working. Once I actually got absorbed in the project, I was able to distance myself from the memories a little and it was really enjoyable.

Then last night I got to the last page, the one where I wanted to put his obituary and his hand and foot prints, and I started crying again. I love that I have his prints, but the memory associated with them is awful because they were taken after he died. So I cried and relived the memories and just let myself feel the weight of my sorrow for a few minutes. Then I wiped away the tears, blew my nose, and finished the album. And this morning when Claire woke up, we looked through it together and I talked to her about her brother Matthew. It was wonderful.

Claire's 1st Easter Egg Hunt

This afternoon my MOPS group did an Easter egg hunt for all of our kiddos. We probably hid over 500 eggs! Claire wasn't real sure what was going on, but hey, all the other kids were grabbing eggs, so she joined in! She was probably the only one who didn't get to enjoy the fruit of her labor though... we still aren't letting her have sweets :( When the hunt was over and all the other kids started diving into their candy, I quickly distracted her with a blueberry muffin :) so she was none the wiser!

"Oooo, what's this?"

"Hey, there's something inside this thing..."

"What's under this yellow paper labeled 'Laffy Taffy'?" 

Nine months later...

It still hurts. It's been 9 months, but I still cry. I don't post as much about Matthew these days because I want to highlight the good things in our lives, not just the downers, but I do want to be real. I feel like we're starting to hit that awkward period when most everyone else starts to forget a little bit, or at least they seem to forget because they don't ask us about it anymore. I'm totally guilty of this myself. In the past I probably subconsciously thought that after a few months people are supposed to start moving on, or at least be more ok with the pain in their lives and not need to cry about it every day. But being on the other side of it now, I realize the pain is sometimes just as raw after nine months as it was after nine days. I still cry myself to sleep at least once a week. I still see Matthew in every baby I pass. And I still have the urge to tell everyone about him. When people see my preggo belly and say, "Oh, this must be your second?" I always correct them and say, "No, actually, it's my third. We had a little boy that died." I realize that it's completely awkward to tell complete strangers this, but it's just my way of honoring his life.

I guess I wanted to say all this because I don't want Matthew to get lost in the midst of the excitement of this new baby. I don't want to act like Clay's birth somehow makes up for Matthew's death. It doesn't. It makes it bittersweet. Bitter because Clay will never know Matthew and because they could've been such good buddies. Sweet because God has blessed us with a second son and reminded us that He is faithful.

We are healing. I am healing. But we will never be the same again. At those moments when we experience the most joy, we will always experience the sorrow alongside it. I wish it wasn't so, but I'm grateful for a God that can both handle my sorrow and give me joy.

St. Louis

Last week Cole and I visited Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis. This is the seminary Cole's wanted to go to since college, but life got in the way and we've taken longer to get there than we thought. We were all set to go there last fall, but when we found out about Matthew's condition, we put it off because of not knowing what life would look like once he was born. Ever since then we've wrestled with whether we actually want to go there or somewhere closer. The love and support we have in the south is amazing, plus Cole has his videography business firmly established in this region.

But after the visit and asking lots of advice from others, we think going there is the best decision. It's a beautiful campus, with on-campus housing (think college, only with kids!), and the school is really well respected in PCA circles. We both liked St. Louis (though it's seems HUGE compared to Aiken) and we got a good feel for it while exploring in our rental car. We've already got a number of friends from college there and all-in-all it just feels like God is leading us there. So unless a door gets closed, it look like we're headed for St. Louis in the fall! We'd appreciate your prayers as we anticipate the move. I'm sure it's going to be hard to leave our family, friends, and the south! 

The campus!

The arch :)

30 weeks

I realize that I've done a terrible job of keeping up with my pregnancy progress. I have one friend who faithfully post pics and updates on her pregnancy and they are so fun to read! So here's an update.

I was 30 weeks on Sunday. Everything looks good for Clay and I'm also having a pretty good pregnancy. I had morning sickness up until about a month ago. Thankfully I'm finally over it. But reflux and heartburn have taken its place, so I'm not sure if that's really an improvement.

I'm gaining weight slowly (woohoo) but typically I've gained the most in the last month or two, so I guess I'm saving it up for then :)

I've finally found a way to sleep comfortably, which is WONDERFUL! The hardest part of pregnancy for me is always the sleep deprivation. With Claire and Matthew, I didn't sleep much during the last trimester, which was miserable.

I ran up until the six month mark and now I'm just walking/biking/doing easy Crossfit. I really got out of shape when I was pregnant with Claire and my recovery was much slower. I stayed in shape with Matthew and felt like I bounced back wayyyyyy faster. I think I was running again a month after I had him, whereas with Claire it took more like two or three months. So obviously I want to recover quickly again.

Claire still doesn't seem to quite grasp that there's a baby in my belly. I also think she's getting Clay and Matthew really confused. I've been buying clothes for Clay and telling her they're for him, but later she'll point to them and say, "Matthew?" I always tell her, "No it's for this baby (pointing to my belly) not for Matthew. Matthew's with Jesus and he doesn't need clothes anymore." But I'm sure she's still confused. Hopefully once she sees Clay, she'll be able to distinguish between them.

Here are some pics of the belly :)

And his name shall be called...

Clay Marshall Nickell. Ta da! 

It's been a long time coming, but name-deciding is not our strong point. Cole and I are both very opinionated (imagine that!) so it takes awhile to arrive at names that we both think are even ok, much less perfect. Cole is the one that found the name Clay and while I think it's a little matchy-matchy paired with Claire, I really do love the name itself. We're both fans of short names that can't be made into nicknames easily. I realize that if Matthew had lived to be a middle schooler, his name would've morphed into Matt most likely, but I would've tried my best to keep it the whole Matthew. 

Anyway, Clay it is. And Marshall is my maiden name, so that's how we came up with the whole thing. 

And if you're curious as to what Clay means, here's the definition that Cole found: "Clay - a sexy beast who is amazing at everything he does. So eat it!" 

Ha ha. Now you know why Cole loved the name so much :)  

Visitors

This weekend my best friend from Asheville came down for a visit with her two little girls. It wasn't a glamorous visit (when you have kids things change) but we enjoyed just hanging out together while we watched (and refereed) the girls playing. I thought it would be sunny and warm and that we'd get lots of time in the sun, but the weather turned nasty and rainy one day and windy and cold the next. Oh well. We made the most of it!

Bath partay! 

 Playing chase with the kids at 29 weeks preggo :) Yeah, I got crampy after that! 

Ahhh - strangle hug! 

Jessica's actually quite skinny... just trying to make me feel better! 

Claire and Petra - toddler race! 

 Poor baby having to endure the wind and cold!

Fun weekend! The end. 

I miss this little boy very much

I've had a hard couple of days, just missing my little man. I haven't posted much recently because right now there's nothing else I want to say. I just want to hold this little boy again and my heart aches that I can't. 

But yet, somehow, I am thankful that God was merciful and chose to take him home. As much as I selfishly want him with me, I also wouldn't have been able to stand watching him live in pain. 

Oh how this sweet little face gets to me! 

Sharing each other's sorrows

I came across the blog of Courtney Roth today. She is a mom who had a little boy with a rare genetic skin disorder. He passed away last month and as I read her last few entries about mourning his loss, it was like I was reading from my own story. I felt every bit of pain, hurt, and emptiness that she was expressing. It was very weird. I've spent the last half hour crying my eyes out, both for her loss and for my own. Thankfully, she is also a believer and has the assurance that her little guy is now in heaven. But as I know too well, that doesn't minimize the agony of missing your child.

I just wanted to pass her story along, in case you'd like to pray for her. Here's her blog: "EB"ing a Mommy.

Yesterday....

Matthew would've been nine months old yesterday. Claire was walking and talking at nine months. When I think about that, the loss I feel is too deep for words. It's something that starts to consume me and pull me down into depression. The only thing that saves me is remembering that God has promised an eternity where every tear will be wiped from my eyes and death and sorrow will be no more (Revelation 21). I long for that day!

Today was really tough for me. This baby has started moving a lot more and every time I feel him kick I think about Matthew. I guess it's because I don't have a face or name for him yet, so by default I think of Matthew. Regardless, it's been really hard lately to not think of this baby as another Matthew. I know in my head that he's his own separate person, but because of all the similarities to my pregnancy with Matthew, I just feel like I'm reliving last year.

I miss my little boy so much! There are times when I still feel like its all been a bad dream and he can't really be gone. I still feel like this can't really be happening to me. I ask for your prayers as I continue to weep over him and struggle to accept this as part of God's plan for my life.