Happy Birthday Matthew

Today Matthew would've been one year old.

One year old!

I can't even imagine what that would be like. It seems like so long since he was with us. I still miss him everyday and with the arrival of Clay fast approaching, he's on my mind even more more. I find myself wondering what he would look like, if he would be walking, talking, etc.

I vividly remember this day last year. I was so nervous as we went to the hospital, but at the same time I felt peace that God was directing every detail. I had so much hope then. I thought that once he was born, doctors would be able to perform the needed surgeries and he would live. Of course, once he was born and we understood the magnitude of his problems, I wrestled every day to keep that hope. There were so many days that Cole and I thought we were going to lose him, but I think that I always held on to the hope that God would let him be my "miracle baby." I never really thought that he would die, probably because I didn't think that I could survive losing him.

Now here we are, a year later... a year that's been the hardest of my life. I am so thankful for how God has walked with me through this year, helping me to move through the sorrow, anger, depression, disappointment, jealousy, and self-pity. I know I've got a long way to go, but seeing God's faithfulness has forever changed my view of life and of Him.

So today, on Matthew's birthday, we are crying, yes, but we are also rejoicing over his precious life and are so thankful that God gave us him to us for 7 weeks and 2 days. Mostly, we are longing for the day when we can see him again.

Happy birthday baby boy! 

Escape Artist???

Early Saturday morning, as I was in the middle of my crazy pregnant-lady dreaming, I felt a little tap on my shoulder and pulling on the covers. Groggily, I rolled over and opened my eyes to see Claire's little face grinning at me and saying, "Hey Mommy!" I blinked and rubbed my eyes and exclaimed, "Baby girl, how'd you get here!" She kept grinning and chatting away and saying, "Eat breakfast?!" I looked at the clock - 6:52 am -  and said, "No Claire, it's not breakfast time yet. Did you climb out of your crib?" She nodded. I said, "Baby girl, you're not allowed to get out of bed till Mommy gets you. It's too early!" So I scooped her up and took her back to her room, put her in her crib, and told her not to climb out again. She looked disappointed, but nodded and said "Yes mommy." I walked back across the house, climbed in bed, and had no sooner pulled the covers over my head then I heard a CRASH and immediate crying. I ran back to Claire's room and found her on the hardwood floor with a stream of blood coming out of her nose :( I picked her up and comforted her and wiped all the blood away. Then we had a long chat about why she's not supposed to climb out of her crib.

She hasn't done it again, but I'm sensing that the next episode is not far away. As active as she's always been, I'm surprised it hadn't happened earlier. I guess she finally got bored enough to figure it out! Oh Claire......... :)

36 weeks

And I feel like a walrus. You can't tell from this picture, but I feel like sometimes I might actually explode :) Here's hoping I can make it 4 more weeks!!! Come on Clay!

Oh, and Happy Easter from all of us! We finally got our family pic :)

Plans

On Tuesday, Cole and I took time away from the distractions of life to go spend time together with the Lord and seek His direction for our future. After visiting Covenant Seminary last month, we are confident that this is where God is leading us, but we have been wrestling with when to go. We really wanted to make sure that we were following the Lord’s leading and not just making a selfish decision. So we drove up to my grandparent’s house at Lake Murray and spent a few hours singing songs, studying the Bible, and praying together. We made a list of pros for going now and for waiting another year and then discussed what was really important to us. Our theme verse for the day was Psalm 37:4, which says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Our aim was to make sure that we were seeking the Lord’s leading and delighting ourselves in Him as we made our decision. There were good reasons for both, but Cole felt a stronger desire to stay another year and enjoy ministering at New Covenant. He wrestled with whether this desire was from God or a selfish one and really prayed and thought through it. As the day came to a close, that desire had not diminished. We felt like this was God’s leading, so we made the decision to wait until fall of 2013 to go to Covenant Seminary. We feel peace about it and are excited about our future! Just wanted to give y'all an update!

Happy Easter!

Claire and I spent Easter weekend in Asheville with my family. Cole had a wedding to film on Saturday and was busy with Easter services all day Sunday, so he couldn't be with us, but all the rest of my family was together. It's rare that we're all in the same place at once, so we took full advantage of the time together and the nice weather! 

Caroline, Claire, and Bruton enjoying the "slack line" with their uncles

The family picture... as good as it gets with three little ones :)

Cute cousins!

Beach!

This past week and weekend, Claire and I spent some time at Pawley's Island with my parents, just chill'axin on the beach. Claire loved the sand! And she even got in the water with my dad (mom and I weren't so brave)! We didn't do much, so I'll just let the pics speak for themselves.

 

Memories

Last night I finished Matthew's scrapbook album. It's a project I've been excited to do, but put off for months because I just wasn't ready to dive in. The first night as I pulled everything out, I just wept. It all fit on my kitchen table. All the pictures, keepsakes, cards, and paraphernalia were stretched out in front of me on my tiny kitchen table and I think the brevity of his life hit me really hard in that moment. Seeing his cute little face staring at me in every picture was almost torture because I just wanted to reach through the pictures and hold him one more time. Instead, I just kissed the pictures like a crazy person :) Then I dove in and started working. Once I actually got absorbed in the project, I was able to distance myself from the memories a little and it was really enjoyable.

Then last night I got to the last page, the one where I wanted to put his obituary and his hand and foot prints, and I started crying again. I love that I have his prints, but the memory associated with them is awful because they were taken after he died. So I cried and relived the memories and just let myself feel the weight of my sorrow for a few minutes. Then I wiped away the tears, blew my nose, and finished the album. And this morning when Claire woke up, we looked through it together and I talked to her about her brother Matthew. It was wonderful.

Claire's 1st Easter Egg Hunt

This afternoon my MOPS group did an Easter egg hunt for all of our kiddos. We probably hid over 500 eggs! Claire wasn't real sure what was going on, but hey, all the other kids were grabbing eggs, so she joined in! She was probably the only one who didn't get to enjoy the fruit of her labor though... we still aren't letting her have sweets :( When the hunt was over and all the other kids started diving into their candy, I quickly distracted her with a blueberry muffin :) so she was none the wiser!

"Oooo, what's this?"

"Hey, there's something inside this thing..."

"What's under this yellow paper labeled 'Laffy Taffy'?" 

Nine months later...

It still hurts. It's been 9 months, but I still cry. I don't post as much about Matthew these days because I want to highlight the good things in our lives, not just the downers, but I do want to be real. I feel like we're starting to hit that awkward period when most everyone else starts to forget a little bit, or at least they seem to forget because they don't ask us about it anymore. I'm totally guilty of this myself. In the past I probably subconsciously thought that after a few months people are supposed to start moving on, or at least be more ok with the pain in their lives and not need to cry about it every day. But being on the other side of it now, I realize the pain is sometimes just as raw after nine months as it was after nine days. I still cry myself to sleep at least once a week. I still see Matthew in every baby I pass. And I still have the urge to tell everyone about him. When people see my preggo belly and say, "Oh, this must be your second?" I always correct them and say, "No, actually, it's my third. We had a little boy that died." I realize that it's completely awkward to tell complete strangers this, but it's just my way of honoring his life.

I guess I wanted to say all this because I don't want Matthew to get lost in the midst of the excitement of this new baby. I don't want to act like Clay's birth somehow makes up for Matthew's death. It doesn't. It makes it bittersweet. Bitter because Clay will never know Matthew and because they could've been such good buddies. Sweet because God has blessed us with a second son and reminded us that He is faithful.

We are healing. I am healing. But we will never be the same again. At those moments when we experience the most joy, we will always experience the sorrow alongside it. I wish it wasn't so, but I'm grateful for a God that can both handle my sorrow and give me joy.

St. Louis

Last week Cole and I visited Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis. This is the seminary Cole's wanted to go to since college, but life got in the way and we've taken longer to get there than we thought. We were all set to go there last fall, but when we found out about Matthew's condition, we put it off because of not knowing what life would look like once he was born. Ever since then we've wrestled with whether we actually want to go there or somewhere closer. The love and support we have in the south is amazing, plus Cole has his videography business firmly established in this region.

But after the visit and asking lots of advice from others, we think going there is the best decision. It's a beautiful campus, with on-campus housing (think college, only with kids!), and the school is really well respected in PCA circles. We both liked St. Louis (though it's seems HUGE compared to Aiken) and we got a good feel for it while exploring in our rental car. We've already got a number of friends from college there and all-in-all it just feels like God is leading us there. So unless a door gets closed, it look like we're headed for St. Louis in the fall! We'd appreciate your prayers as we anticipate the move. I'm sure it's going to be hard to leave our family, friends, and the south! 

The campus!

The arch :)