A few ideas

For the past week or so, I've been reading grief help books and blogs of other moms who've lost children too. I've found it incredibly helpful and just wanted to pass along some things I've learned. Before losing Matthew, I didn't always know what to say to people who'd lost loved ones. I didn't want to hurt them by saying something unhelpful but I didn't want to say nothing and ignore the fact that they were hurting. So I understand that you may find it awkward to be around me sometimes for this same reason. Here are some ideas to help with that. 

In our conversations, sometimes I might just want to feel normal. In public especially, I don't want to be walking around with mascara streaks and constantly be a blubbering mess. Last night I went out with a bunch of friends and was able to laugh and talk like I didn't have a care in the world and it was so refreshing! For just a few hours, I was able to feel normal again. You see, I'm not always comfortable crying in front of people I don't know well, so having a "moment" in the middle of the store or in church isn't really my style. I'd rather save that for another time. So when you see me at the grocery store or at church, feel free to treat me normally, like you would before all this happened. I'm not normal, but yet I am normal. Don't feel like you have to tiptoe around me. 

But then again, don't act like it never happened. Last week I saw someone that I hadn't seen in months and they talked to me for a while without ever saying one word about Matthew. It was so hurtful! I want to know that you haven't forgotten about what we're going through. Don't be afraid to bring up Matthew for fear that you'll make me cry. It's ok if I cry. Sometimes it feels really good to just let it out! As long as you're ok with me crying (and we're in a relatively private area), then I'm ok with it. I LOVE to talk about Matthew because he was and always will be such a big part of our lives. Sometimes talking about him will bring tears, but sometimes I might actually be able to smile and laugh about the memories. Just please don't ignore the fact that I had a baby and that he died. 

Here's what another mom posted on her blog: "If you are an acquaintance of a grieving person and you try to find out how she’s doing (out of sincere love and concern) you might get a response like, “Today’s a good day. Thanks for asking,” or “Today has been kind of hard. Thanks for asking.” This might not be what you expected. Perhaps she’s not letting you in emotionally the way you were hoping. But please accept whatever she can give you even if it’s not much. In your conversations, it can be really refreshing if you help her feel normal. And other times it’s best if you make sure she knows that you are thinking of her special circumstances and have by no means forgotten her or her child."

I hope this is helpful. Cole and I don't want to be a source of awkwardness, but we understand that sometimes it's hard to interact with grieving people. Please bear with us as we navigate the coming months and years. We have so appreciated the outpouring of support for our family. Just knowing that you love us and are praying for us does our hearts and souls good.