Hard Day

As you can tell from that last post, today was a hard day. I just really miss my little guy. I want to hold on to the memories of what he smelled like, what he sounded like, and how he felt in my arms, but all of that is already starting to fade. I know it's inevitable, but it's so hard to let go.

I went by the cemetery in Columbia today. I had to fill out some last paperwork and I figured I might as well stop by his grave (even though the headstone isn't there yet). It was very hard. The ground is still soft where they buried him and the flower arrangement that my sweet grandmother put together was lying on top of the dirt, wilted and dead. Altogether, it was a sad scene. As I stood there, I kept thinking about the fact that my son's body was lying beneath me, and although I know that his soul is in heaven, I couldn't help but feel that I had abandoned him and that he was scared and all alone in this huge cemetery. I know that sounds crazy, but anyone who's ever lost someone understands what I'm talking about. As earthly beings, it's hard to grasp eternity and we struggle to understand that the soul lives even though the body dies. So while my intellect tells me that Matthew isn't really there, my aching heart clings to the physical reality and can't get the picture of his sweet face out of my head.

On a lighter note, tomorrow we leave for vacation and I'm hoping that we will be refreshed and rested when we get back. I probably won't blog much, but I'm sure Cole will take pictures of Claire that I will post as soon as we get home :)