Looking back

Grief is a weird thing. Just when I think I'm doing ok, the sadness will hit again and take me by surprise. For example, I'm in Asheville right now visiting my parents because I thought it would be a good distraction and a fun trip, but I've cried several times a day since I got here. I don't know why. There's nothing here to remind me of Matthew and I do have plenty of distractions, but for some reason, I can't get him off my mind. I guess I'd always thought the next time I came back here, he would be with me.

Asheville is a very special place for me. It was the only place I'd ever lived (besides college) before marriage and my parents have lived in this same house for 21 years. All my growing up and maturing was done here. In fact, as I look around my parents house, I remember that this is where I first learned about grief. The bed I cried in last night is the same bed I cried in 10 years ago. You might not know this, but when I was 14 years old, some family friends were in a car crash that killed both parents and four of the six kids, including the twin girls that were my close friends. A few months later, I lost another close friend to a brain tumor. It was devestating. In fact, I remember that year and the following years being full of suffering. It seemed like our church in particular lost a lot of people within a few years. Some were old, but many were young. What I remember most though, was the way people handled their grief. I saw them hurting and asking why, but I also saw them praising God through it all. They cried with hope and they sang through their tears. My friend's parents in particular were good examples of trusting God in their sorrow. I remember seeing her mom crying and smiling at the same time and wondering how she was able to do it. I could've never dreamed that God was preparing me for losing my own child.

Now as I look back, I'm so thankful that God used that time in my life to answer a lot of the "why" questions and to teach me what faith through suffering really looks like. I'm so fortunante to have friends that have walked this road before me, who can encourage me through my doubts and tears. Obviously grief is never easy, but seeing good examples of it in my early years has helped me. It gives me hope that I too will make it through this and still have joy again. I think if I had never experienced grief before, losing Matthew would have been much more of a shock and much harder.