Just so you know, that last post doesn't mean everything is ok. It doesn't mean that I'm coasting along in the grief process. Because I'm not. I still cry every day. I still have days where I don't really want to live the rest of my life without Matthew. I still yell at God from time to time and demand answers from Him. I want to to walk around with a shirt that says "I just lost my son... Feel sorry for me." I get mad at people who cry over small things because I think that they have no idea what real sorrow is. I want everyone to constantly think about Matthew and let me talk about him for hours. I get offended when they talk about their own lives. I avoid babies and can't help but feel jealousy when I see a mom holding a newborn, especially if it's a boy. I can't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about Matthew. I want to go back in time and hold him and kiss him again and again. In fact, I kiss my phone every night because his picture is my screen saver. And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And wonder if my tears will ever dry up.
BUT - because of the things mentioned in the post below, I know I'm not going crazy. I'm able to get through these awful emotions and still smile and have normal moments. By God's grace I know we will make it through this storm and enjoy many happy days ahead.
I just wanted to make it clear that we're not there yet.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
"You have kept count of my tossings; (I consider that to be sleepless nights)... you have put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (psalm 56:8)
ReplyDeleteYour tears and suffering are precious things to the Lord, as they are to us. We are so, so sorry for your pain. We continue to pray for your hearts to heal. We love you, susan (and Tim)