Just when it feels like my days are starting to get back to normal, something always reminds me of Matthew and sends me back into sorrow and longing. I'll hear a song, see another baby his age, hear someone talk about Charleston (yep, that city has been ruined for me for a while), smell something, look at Claire, or catch a glimpse of a picture of him as I walk by my fridge and I feel that horrible ache in my heart all over again. I feel like I will never again be perfectly content. Isn't that horrible? To think that no matter how good life is, I will always feel an emptiness? It just feels so wrong. I'm only 25. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, yet I already feel so old and tired. The worst part is, I know that this ache will never go away. I've talked to moms who've lost children anywhere from 2 to 45 years ago and they all still feel the ache and long for the child who's gone.
Gosh, I should be celebrating his first smiles and giggles, watching him sleep contentedly, taking pictures of him in cute outfits and posting them on facebook, but instead I'm sitting here with empty arms and wondering what happens next. What are God's plans for me now? I know He has them. I know there will joy in the future, but right now, right this very minute, what do I do?
If we could have looked ahead to the future way back in Haw Creek we probably would have never wanted to grow up, right?? While I can't imagine what you're going through, I think you're doing exactly what God would desire of you....you're trusting him in your deepest sorrow. And keep getting up every morning and doing the next thing...feed Claire (& Cole:), wash the dishes, make the bed, exercise, play with Claire, make lunch, cry, sing, hug Cole, make dinner...and maybe the days will get easier even though the ache stays forever.
ReplyDeleteEven those of us you don't know have deep sorrow for your loss. Reading this blog daily and anticipating his coming home and growing into healthy little boy as a testament to God's faithfulness and healing was everyone's hope. I can't imagine or dare to try to understand your deep sorrow, but I am praying that God wrap his arms around you and comfort you in your sorrow. May God continue to bless you during this trying time.
ReplyDeleteJulia,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your openness and honesty as you struggle thru this healing process. I only wish I could give you wise words of what to do next. Julia offered great advice..."just do the next thing". And keep looking for His wisdom and comfort thru His word, keep praising Him (tho' I know that must be hard at times too,) and look for things to thank Him for daily. Ask the Holy Spirit to control your mind, sit before Him and be still and let His love surround you. (And, then come to Asheville, so we can love on you a bit, too.) :) You are in my prayers and like, Janet, we hurt for you and have deep sorrow over your loss. I love you!
Julia,
ReplyDeleteI've been praying daily for you. A friend of mine who lost her baby during pregnancy (37 weeks) last year just wrote this on her blog on Tuesday and I thought it was applicable to what I'm praying for you and Cole - that God would lift some of the veil between earth and eternity for you to see God's purposes (2 Cor. 3:18).
"So if you find yourself grieving the loss of someone, something little or monumental, give yourself time to grieve well. Grieve out loud. Grieve knowing it's not hopeless. 'and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.' Romans 5:5" http://gretherfamily.blogspot.com/